Be You, Be Unique, Be Beautiful...because why not?

The Lord has put so many great and glorious things on my heart that I must share and write it out. I want to share about His goodness. I want my life to lift up His name everyday. That the name of Jesus would be exalted through me because He deserves all the praise. So I choose to write, and I choose to share; not out of boastfulness, but out of pure genuine joy.

Something I have been contemplating at the beginning of this year 2015, is... why not? Why not do the things you love to do? Why not step out in faith for what you believe in? Why not be silly? Why not laugh out loud? Why not fall in love with the person you choose to do life with? Why not trust The Lord with all your heart? Why not make mistakes and learn from them? Why not live life? Why not have a beautiful blessed life? Why not go on an adventure? Why not be generous? Why not love your neighbor? Why not pray out loud? Why not praise His name? Why not turn your mess into a message? Why not bless other people? Why not try something new?
# Why Not 

We only have one life on earth. It is a gift from our heavenly Father because He loves us. He loves us so much that we can not even fathom it, because that is what His word says. So lets make it count, lets be DOERS of the word, lets live a life full of adventure and full of JOY because we can. He gave us the opportunity and CHOICE to live like that.
# Be Intentional

My life is from The Lord. He saved my soul. He knocked on my door, and was intentional about loving me even when I would not see it because of my own stubbornness. So everything I do, I pray that it will exemplify my love for The Lord. I pray everyday, I seek The Lord everyday, I read my bible everyday...I do all of these things not because I have to, not because it looks good to other people, but because my soul craves it. My soul will not function with full capacity unless I allow The Lord in each day. I need Him to renew my mind everyday. I need Him to show me love everyday. I need Him to captivate my soul and fill me up so that I can go out and do the things that He has put on my heart to do.
# Boldness

I want to do things with all of my heart, I want to go places with all of my heart. The Lord gives us desires of our hearts for a reason, to pursue them. Why not pursue the desires He has given you? You know that if The Lord called you to do what is on your heart, it is because He has equipped you to do them. He has fully given you the choice to fulfill these things if you want to.
I pray that I WANT TO! I pray that I live a life full of adventure and love, and all with my main man God. I follow His peace in my life because it is the greatest decision I have ever done, and the one that works out the best for my life.
I know I have told some of my story before, and if you have read my blog the last couple of years it goes into detail about what happened to my family, and to me. But truly I tell you, I am who I am because of The Lord. He changed me from the inside out because I wanted it, I allowed Him into the depths of my heart and gave Him my life in TRUST. I chose to truth the Lord, and walk in trust not fear.
Fear will only hold you back from greatness. I chose to walk in greatness. To live an abundant life with Jesus because He holds me.
# Life is an Adventure
# Life is Beautiful

With that being said,
2015 is going to be a great adventure with the lover of my soul; God, and my husband, my forever love; Matthew Allen Wimberly. I am starting out the beginning of the year with my best friend, Matthew. I say best friend because he truly is my best friend, and not just words thrown around to make it sound nice.  His name means Gift from God, and let me tell you, He is a gift to me that I promise to always treasure and protect. He is my main person, the lover of my heart and body forever. The Lord gave him to me, and for that I am eternally grateful. We recently chose to spend some intentional time with The Lord this year and figure out what we want to do as a couple. What is our mission in life? How are we going to continue to live our life on a mission? We decided that our mission is to live a life like Jesus, the best we can, and to love like Jesus as best we can. We want to LIVE LIKE JESUS AND LOVE LKE JESUS. We want our life to reflect the love of Jesus in all that we do. We want to pursue our God everyday, to renew our mind and strength, to captivate us, to keep us from worldly sin, to protect our marriage and love like crazy. We chose to spend time together praying and searching out our hearts for this year. We decided our mission this year is to
# Live to Love

I am a blessed woman because of this. I have a faithful God, and a man of God who is my husband, who seeks to be the best he can be in everything he does. I feel richly blessed everyday because of this and because of how The Lord continues to show me His love through people, scripture, music and speaking to me when my heart is still. 

Mark 12: 30-31

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this, love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.

Lord I pray for this to always be on our hearts as a family, and as individuals. Let this be our mission to be more like you everyday.

Another thing that is so deeply on my heart right now, is a mission trip that is TODAY! Oh my goodness when I say that out loud, and walk around my house praying about the trip, I get goose bumps because I know this is good. The Lord is so good, and I cant wait to see what He is going to do in and through this team as we go. Please be praying for safe travels for the team, and also health and safety while we are there. It can always stir up some fears in us when we go out of our comfort zone, but that is also where The Lord can and will teach us big things! A good place to conquer fears as well. I never want to stay in a stagnant place of fear, I always want to be growing in The Lord and becoming the best I can be.
Cambodia touches my heart because of the selfless love I feel there and how God always, without a doubt, helps me grow. He helps to show me how I can be a better me, and how I can let go of all fears. That is what I want to take back home. Fearless and more bold in my faith and what the Lord tells me!
See you soon Olympia. See you in two weeks.
I love you Matthew Allen with my whole heart, for my whole life.
I love you family, ill be praying for you every day.
I love my beautiful blessed life, and the opportunity My Lord has given me to go again. I will forever be grateful and I know the Lord has BIG PLANS!

xoxo

Lord I pray for your hand to be all over this trip. I pray for your spirit to be so evident and dwelling in each one of us, in our conversations, in the way we love each other and in the way we love Cambodia. I thank you for this opportunity, and this day. I pray that your kingdom come, your will be done. Lord you are in control, you hold our world in your hands so Lord I pray that you guide us, protect us and comfort us as we journey over the ocean. Lord I pray that you give us peace, your peace that surpasses all understanding. Your plan and your ways are higher than our ways, your thoughts are higher than our thoughts. You have already planned out this trip for us, so Lord I pray that you give us a confident hope in that. I pray Lord that you allow me, and the team to let down any insecurities, and let us be venerable while we are there. Allow us to grow individually and as a team. Allow us to be ourselves, that there is no one like us, and to use our uniqueness while we are there. Lord I love you with everything. Protect my home while I am gone, protect my husband and my marriage, protect my family in all ways. Lord I give my life to you. I thank you for all you have given me, and now I am going to go because you said to go. I thank you for obedience. I thank you for your spirit dwelling inside of me. I thank you for my supportive husband and best friend. I pray Lord that this team is a MIGHTY FORTRESS that can not be defeated. We are going to love on your children, and be LOVE to these orphans and homes. I thank you for that. Lord break my heart for what breaks yours, give me a tender loving heart while I am there to do what you called me to do.
I love you Lord.

#LivetoLove
#Cambodia2015
#Boldness

Today is THE DAY.

As I sit and listen to the song Hosanna by Hillsong United...."break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your Kingdoms cause. Open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like you." THIS IS MY PRAYER as I walk out of my comfort zone, into Cambodia. Across the world. I trust God more than anything, because He is my one true love. He is the one who put this desire in my heart, so for that, I praise Him. I trust Him to keep myself and my team safe.

That is what I have been praying and talking to God about all morning. I leave in about an hour to meet my team for worship and prayer before we head off, and my heart is racing. I am going to triumph fear with the power of God, and remember that He is sending me to Cambodia. I have the heart and the deep desires to go, and I know how much I will fall in love with what I see and the children around me. But I also know little parts of fear that I have about going somewhere unknown to me, I am stepping out in faith and courage to do something I was called to do. Sometimes I wonder why; why would God pick me? What gifts do I have to be apart of this team to go to Cambodia? But than God speaks to me, and tells me that He is with me wherever I go. He will strengthen me. He will lift me up when I feel weak. He will help me triumph the devil if I just be still and allow God to speak to me. Sometimes my mind can race so fast, and than I realize how much time I just wasted...when God was right here, waiting for me to come to Him with my worries and fears. He is my sustainer. My rock. My peace. My love. My father. He wants nothing more than to bless me.
So that takes away my fear. Why be fearful of a place that God TOLD ME TO GO?? That my friends, makes no sense to me. Why would I allow the devil to take something so precious to me, something I have been looking forward to for a very long time. Something I KNOW my earthly father would of been so proud of me. It is not going to happen. I am going to do this with the JOY that The Lord has given me to go, and I am going to pray my heart out on the plane, and worship Him, and watch what He does to my heart. I know my heart will be changed forever.

Romans 12:21
Do not be overcome with evil, instead overcome evil with good.

THIS WAS IN MY DEVOTION THIS MORNING. Thank you Lord. Overcome evil thoughts with what God has filled my heart with already! What an answer to prayer.

There is something about going somewhere far away on mission trips that just warms my heart. To step out of my comfort zone, and everything familiar to me, and to do God's work. To love on people who are just waiting for love, God's love. They are going to show me love in a whole new light, and I already am expecting that. These children are going to show me God's love, and I hope to bring them some comfort and love as well.


My Prayer.
"Dear my Lord, the one who comforts me, brings me peace and joy, blesses me when I feel unworthy, and loves me at my worst. You know my heart, you know the inner most parts of me and who I am. I trust you Lord with my whole heart, I trust you that where you lead me, I WILL follow and be blessed because of it. So many verses come to mind about taking the step of faith, and following after you. Lord I trust that. I believe that with my heart as I venture somewhere I have never been before, but you have. You know where I am going, you know my purpose for going, and Lord I know you have a plan. I pray Lord that you touch each and every life that is going to be on this trip, whether it is someone on my team, or someone we come in contact with. Lord I pray that each and every person that we do come in contact with, can see our JOY because of YOU. You are in us, and with us, and through us all the time Lord. We are going to do your kingdom work, everyday I pray that I do something for your kingdom, so Lord on this trip, I pray you show me what I can do. Show me how to love like you, break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I AM for your kingdom cause. That is why I am here Lord, to love others and love you. I pray Lord that you radically move in myself, as well as each member who is going on this trip. Bring us close together, help us to trust and grow together as a TEAM. I know you will bless us unimaginably, because that is who you are. But Lord I pray for safety, healthy and protection as we venture off to Cambodia. I pray that our luggage is not lost. I pray that we will be well rested and ready Sunday morning when we wake up in Cambodia! I pray Lord that your hand is all over this trip, and that the Holy Spirit will move in us like we have never seen before. I love you Lord, I love you and trust you with my life because you gave me this life. This life on earth is so short compared to our time with you, and I believe that with my heart. I thank you Lord for everything you have done for me, I thank you financially that I am able to go on this trip, I pray that you watch over my family while I am gone. I pray for the hearts of my family back home, and other families, that they will be at peace while we are gone. I thank you Lord for this opportunity, for putting this desire in my heart, for allowing me to love kids with all I am so that I can be a piece of your hands and feet while I am there. I pray Lord for radical change. I pray that you will show me things that I have never seen before, stretch me and help me grow to be more like you. I pray for our flight this morning, that we will all arrive safely in Cambodia with the rest of our team. I pray that the flight will fly by, and that no one will get sick or injured on the flight Lord. I continue to pray that you show us what needs to be done in Cambodia in the hearts of others, as well as physically. Give us the strength, your strength, each and everyday to do the work that needs to be done. I THANK YOU Lord for who you are, and for loving me. Thank you for saving me, and for showing me the importance of this world. Thank you for trials I have been through because they shaped me into the woman I am today. I pray you continue to mold me, shape me and show me who I am in you. I pray for our trip, just continued safety and protection. Thank you Lord. "  


Proverbs 16:9
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.



 
Thank you to everyone who has been sending out prayers, financial help, hugs, and LOVE! I appreciate you more than I could ever say. Please continue to pray for us as we go this morning, pray that God moves more than we could ever imagine. Pray for safety, health and protection for each one of us. THANK YOU for taking time this morning and reading my blog. Just a little something before we take off. Remember to love God with your whole heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. These are simple things that the Lord tells us to do, and because of that, and because of trusting the Lord, HE WILL BLESS YOU. Just watch :) LOVE YOU ALL, I will miss you dearly, but just know I am in good hands, and walking where I am told to go. God seldom moves in our comfort zones, so I pray for a RADIAL MOVEMENT!

xoxo
Sarah Marie

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

1 Corinthians 16:14
Do EVERYTHING in love.

 

Do all things with love.

1 Corinthians 16:14 Let all that you do, be done in love. 

Love is word that can describe a feeling, can define my God, and is used with such care because of the value of the word. I believe it is my anthem word for the year 2014; to do all things with love. To constantly be thinking of others, and doing things for the Kingdom of Heaven. "There are far better things ahead than what we leave behind." C.S. Lewis.

This truly became my anthem after watching things happen with my dad, and the way my family was changed because of it. There truly are far better things ahead than what we leave here on earth, and I believe that with my whole heart. That is why I choose to do all things with love. Choose to be slow to anger, slow to speak, quick to forgive and quick to listen. Choose to love my Lord with my whole heart, because everything good is from Him, and there are some great things going on in my life right now. If I did not surrender my life to Him, I truly believe I would not have them. My world has been changed all because of the one who created me, and I fell in love with His glory and grace. God's grace for my life is unfailing.

The world is absolutely beautiful, but is corrupted by horrible things people do, objects, nasty words and lies. So I choose to do everything with love because our world desperately needs it. Be the light and shine light on those around me...... or that is what I strive to do! That is the type of person I hope to become. A lot like Jesus <3

My heart is to ultimately love people, and live with my eyes on Heaven; because if I have the faith like I say I do, that is all that matters. Love God, Love People. My faith is to believe; believe in God, the Creator who has created each and every one of us specifically and with a purpose. We are all so uniquely different, and have talents and gifts for a purpose. I believe that is not by accident. When I look around the world, and at how beautiful it can be, how can I not believe in God? He created the beauty for us to see, and to be taken in by his glory and beauty. But look how that is corrupted already, and how people can easily take that for granted.

I have learned so much this last year- and one thing is to live a simple life; to love and be loved, to pray each and every day, to trust The Lord over everything else my mind may tell me, to walk in trust and not fear, selfless love, and choose joy.

My life has been wrecked in 2013- but wrecked in a way that is unlike any other. I began to trust the Lord and fall in love with my heavenly Father. The feeling is something I can not describe, but if you have a relationship with Him, than you know exactly what I mean. This last year I learned to lean on, trust, and love my Lord with my whole heart. I fell in love with trusting Him.

Although this last year has been one of the hardest, most challenging years, it has also been FULL of blessings. My family is blessed because God is truly taking care of us, despite the tragedy we faced. We still find hope and joy in life!

Let me name a FEW:

MY BROTHER AND SISTER IN LAW ARE HAVING A BABY!!!! I am going to be an Aunt :) I already love this little nugget in her belly, and I can only imagine the miracle this baby will bring to our family. I can not wait to watch my brother become a father.
MY SISTER IS ENGAGED TO MATT CLARKE! Such a blessing he has been to our family already, by walking with us through my dads sickness, and lovingly taking care of my sister. I could not be more excited and blessed that he is going to be apart of our family forever <3 I will have another brother. Whoop whoop!
MY SISTER GRADUATED COLLEGE! Such an accomplishment, I am so proud of the hard work she has done and continues to do. She has such a big heart for helping others, and it goes to show when she talks about nursing and the joy it brings her. Dad is so proud of you sissy poo.
I AM GOING TO CAMBODIA! I made the decision last year, and not it is in about a month. My heart is for children, and mission work. I can not wait to see what the Lord is going to do in my life, and in the lives around me.
I AM DATING A MAN....named Matthew Allen Wimberly. Who is already such a gift to me in more ways than I can say. God truly blessed me when he gave me this man, and I am so expectant for our future!
MY MOM IS GOING TO BE A GRANDMA! And she will be the most genuine, loving, caring grandma because her heart is to love, and to show love in more ways than she even knows. She will be an amazing grandma and I can not wait to watch her!
MY MOM GOT A NEW CAR! That alone is a blessing, and such a gift! If you know the story about that, than you know why. But God has been walking us through tough life changes, that being one of them, and my mom has a new car that is absolutely lovely! And was in God's perfect timing.
SO MANY WONDERFUL FRIENDS, and new people in my life that I am so thankful for. Thanks for WHO YOU ARE!
MY FAMILY- all together is just a joy. I love everyone in my family, and all of the new things going on in everyone's life. So fun to watch everyone go through life, and life changes!

Those are just a FEW of the blessings we have....and the list goes on and on. God has blessed us and continues to bless us the more we trust Him. It is as simple as that. That is why I strive to live a simple life, be thankful in all ways and LOVE.

Just a few of life's blessings. 

I just wanted to write, there is really no purpose for this post except to write and to show thankfulness for all I have, and all that is going to happen in 2014. I am so expectant for my Lord to show up in miraculous ways, and I do not expect anything different. 

Blessed is she who believed there would be fulfillment of what has been spoken to her by the lord. Luke 1:45 

God is within her, she will not fail. Psalm 46:5 

CAMBODIA IN ONE MONTH! Expectant for that trip, and beyond excited. I already LOVE all the people who are going on the trip as a team. God put together this team and I can barely fathom what is going to happen those two weeks. I can not wait to see Him show up and touch lives. I can not wait to form relationships with people on the team as well as the people in Cambodia. I can not wait to laugh, play, hug, and love the children of Cambodia. I know they will change my life, and my perspective of what love is in a whole new way. God is sending me on this trip, thanks to lots of prayers, finances, and His love for me. I can not say it enough....that I am following Him and EXPECTANT FOR WHAT IS TO COME IN 2014!!! 

#Expectant #Excited #Joy 

Looking Forward.

This is me; a woman who has been completely renewed by God. 

I have a heart for loving people; especially loving on young children. Even if you only know me a tiny bit, you know my passion for children; especially children who NEED love because they do not have any from their home. Well this burning passion that I have to love children, is ultimately from God because He created me and my desires. I want to show children who Jesus is through my actions AND my words because it is so important for people, especially young children who have no loving family, to know they are cherished by the King of Kings. 

As some of you know, my dad passed away in January 2013, and leading up to that my life was changed. I personally began to understand what it meant to LOVE Jesus with my heart, and to pursue Him because He loves me. The same God who is the maker of the Heavens and the Earth, desires to be with ME and for me to spend time quality time with Him.

So I did. I spent so much of my time seeking Him and truly falling in love with Him, before pursuing my own heart, because I needed that foundation. I have a very loving family who I cherish because they have loved me and supported me my whole life, but I had to find Jesus and my faith on my own, in my own way.

Now that I have Jesus as my foundation, I am ready for an adventure with God. I am ready to go wherever He leads me, and to love people the way He loves people. 

I am constantly learning to trust God and to not be anxious or fearful. I want to pursue my hearts desires with an eternal perspective because I can not wait to be there with my dad, worshiping God. I know now that I am supposed to take the journey to Cambodia for a mission trip in January 2014 to LOVE ON CHILDREN. My church; Church of Living Water, takes a trip once a year to Cambodia to reach out. 

I AM GOING AND I AM SO EXCITED I CAN HARDLY HOLD IT IN! 

FULL OF JOY, pray for me! :) 

So with that said, I can not wait to see what is in store for me in the future. I am expectant for the blessings God is choosing to give ME, and I am expectant for what He has yet to teach me. I can not believe that when you completely surrender your life to God, He will bless you more than you could fathom. I am walking that out right now, and I can not even express how thankful I am. 

I am going to send out a support letters to my family, but if you are interested in learning more about my trip, or if you would like to a support letter, please email me through Facebook! Other than that, please PRAY FOR ME, because this is going to be a journey of a lifetime, and I trust God to protect me and give me strength while I am there.

(January 2014-February 2014, I will be gone for 2 weeks)  

Thank you for all of your love and encouragement. 

xoxoxo

Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 

My peace I leave with you.

Song lyrics: God I look to you 

by Bethel Music

God I look to you, I won’t be overwhelmed.

Give me vision, to see things like you do.

God I look to you, you are where my help comes from.

Give me wisdom, you know just what to do.

And I will love you Lord my strength,

And I will love you Lord my shield,

And I will love you Lord my rock,

Forever all my days I will love you God.

 The tough times never ended for our family, but relying on Jesus just became natural to us because of the peace we received from Him and through Him.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7 …….  But in everything by prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am not going to go into too much detail about the last few months of my dad’s life (2012-2013), but I will say it was a huge blessing that my dad was able to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and his 54th birthday with us. God showed up in some miraculous ways throughout those months, and although He did not heal my dad on earth, I believe with all my heart that my dad is healed and whole again in heaven. I have the hope of heaven.

Christmas was such a special time for my family, because we were able to spend it all together, and watch my dad enjoy this season. We spent the day just relaxing at home; embracing everything Jesus has done for us, and spending quality time as a family. The weekend that my dad passed away, was the same weekend he turned 54 years old. The day after his birthday. It was amazing and beautiful because my dad’s family was able to say goodbye to him; whether it was around Christmas time, on his birthday, or the day that he passed away. Frontotemporal Dementia could have taken my dad’s life in so many awful ways; he could have been bedridden, incontinent, and even on a feeding tube until the end of his life. We could have needed 24 hour hospice care or my dad could have fallen and broken a bone; which ultimately would have him bedridden because his body was so fragile and weak. All of these things we thought we were prepared for because books and doctors told us these were all possibilities. But God had other plans.

On January 4th, 2013 my dad celebrated his 54th birthday. My family was able to all come over for this celebration. This was the same day that as a family we came together in prayer for my dad and his health. We could all see the way he looked this day, and we did not know what else to do but turn to God. That day my dad did not eat anything, and had hardly moved out of his chair. He had a different look about him, there is no other way I can describe that. Family had a hard time leaving, and dad went to bed early that night with the help of my mom. She helped him crawl into bed, and the next day he did not get out of bed.

Saturday morning, January 5th 2013, my dad was bedridden. By the grace of God, he was only bedridden for one day. That morning I went for a run and listened to my worship music, so I could spend some time with God. I came back to find out my dad was still in bed and it was close to 11am. This was very unusual. I walked back to his room, and I started crying at the sight of my dad. He truly looked as sick as I had ever seen him, and my heart dropped. I knew life would never be the same, my dad would never get out of bed again. Maybe he was too weak? Maybe he just wanted to lay down? Maybe he had no energy? So we tried to help him, give him water and food, but he would not move. He just wanted to lay there, and he would lay there and smile at you. My mom, brother, sister and I all took turns spending time with dad in his bedroom. Praying, talking and singing worship songs. I know how much my dad LOVES worship music, and his heart had first and foremost always been with Jesus, so I felt compelled to play some worship music on my phone. I played 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. This song echoed throughout the room, and we began singing it to dad during his last moments. It was absolutely beautiful. My mom and brother started making some calls to our Pastor (Tim Wimberly) and to hospice. We needed some advice about what to do next and how to approach the next few hours. In a few hours our house was filled with people we loved, and prayers. The way my dad passed Saturday night was so peaceful, and so touching for each and every one of us. It was a peace that only God gave us. My grandma, grandpa, uncle, brother, sister, sister in law, mom and I were all able to be at the house when my dad passed away. We were all able to say goodbye to him, and show him the love that he deserves before he went to be in heaven with our one and only King. He was only bedridden for one day, what a miracle in itself because my dad did not suffer. If you want to ask me specifics about this time, or just want to talk to me about it, I would be more than happy to do so. I know that God was in that room, and it would be easier for me to explain it in person than through a blog because of the detail, and how personal it is! God is magnificent that way. 

I love you Dad, you are now resting in His peace, with our King, on January 5th, 2013. Thank you for loving me, and loving our family with all that you are. I cannot wait to see you again in heaven. I believe you even built a hot rod in heaven to take us for a ride once we all get there! 

My life is forever changed because of my experience and my story with my dad. I know internally that God had His hand on my life, and was guiding me along the way; but how God orchestrated everything was more than I could imagine. The peace I feel, and the love I feel for my dad is only from God. I thought I would feel upset, bitter, depressed, hatred, or other kinds of strong emotions because of how this happened to my family. But truly I am blessed and at peace, and that is the only way I know how to describe it. I know my dad is healed and in heaven, and I want to use my story to touch other people, and show hope to those who are hurting!

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this special journey, and thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words. The journey for me is NOT OVER! God has a plan for what I am going to do next, and He will give me the strength to do it. Stay tuned for my next blog about what I have planned for my life, and the direction I feel God is taking me and my love for children. 

I truly have joy in my heart. 

Matthew 22: 37-39 Jesus replied " love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and all of your soul and with all of your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.  

Proverbs 3:5-7 Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn entirely away from evil.

Psalm 37:5 Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.

Psalm 84: 11 For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. 

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 This is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed everyday. For our present troubles are small and won't last long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 

Truly read that verse over and over again and realize what it is telling us. 

The song we played for my dad, that will forever be in our hearts. 

May God always bless you. 

xoxo

Sarah Marie 

Story from a Daughter..

To Him be all the glory.

(No pictures will be posted of the year 2012 because it does not depict who my dad was. He was very sick during this year, and you could see it physically. I do not want people to see him that way because that is not how he is in heaven now, and that is not how I want to remember him.)

2012 was a year like no other. Each year that passed I will never forget because of how much it impacted my life, but 2012 seemed to have the most significant changes that we could see physically and that we experienced as a family.

I started this blog by saying to Him be all the glory, because I truly mean that. God walked my whole family through each and every step of this process.  We started this journey together as a family, holding hands and keeping each other walking day by day.  I was not completely aware of it at the time, but through the changes we saw in my dad, God showed up in miraculous ways. He enabled us to get through each day and with confident hope and trust in Him to get us through the next day.  I apologize for taking down the first blog I wrote a couple days ago, but I felt like God was telling me to re-write it. That something about it was not flowing correctly, and I needed to examine my heart and my words more.  I decided to pray about it, and figure out what I needed to say to truly show how my family struggled, but also that the only way we survived was because of God’s love. He was walking beside us day by day, and moment by moment. 

Matthew 6: 34  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Instantly 2012 began with some major changes; the main one that really broke my heart was that my dad could not talk anymore.  He literally did not speak a word.  He would still point occasionally, and smile, and clap when he liked or disliked something; but there were no words that came out of his mouth. This trait can be common for someone who is diagnosed with FTD, which is something my family read about from books or online resources. But when you experience it in real life, with someone you love, it is a whole new ballgame.  It took adjusting to learn how to communicate with my dad when there were no words coming from his end. Although his behavior told us so much about what he was feeling, which was a blessing because things could have been worse, and there could have been nothing. My dad has always been strong about how he feels and what he wants to say.  So even when he could not talk, my dad was still strong with his emotions.

As a daughter, this part was one of the worst things that could have happened. I could not verbally speak to my dad the way that I used too. On top of his behavior being completely different from when I was growing up, he could not verbally talk back to me. This was something that I immediately had to adjust to because I could not do the same things I used to with my dad. He could not ever give me advice again, he could never pray with me anymore, and he could never tell me that he loved me.  I could see it by the way he treated me, and the smile on his face, but verbally I would never get those things again. My prayers and cries to God were very substantial at this point.  I cried out to my heavenly Father to comfort me, and give me peace during this time because my world was falling apart. I would never have my dad the same again unless God performed a miracle. I believed he could, but I did not foresee what the future would hold.  It was in God’s hands.

Weight loss, and eating habits were another thing that we seemed to battle the most during 2012. When my dad originally started to lose weight it was because he was eating unhealthy food, and a lot less food than he should have been. But now things started to take a turn, now it seemed like the muscles in his mouth were not working properly. He was having a hard time swallowing specific types of food, especially food that was sticky and hard to grasp in your mouth (peanut butter, syrup, etc.). This became fearsome for the family because aspiration could occur during this process. It started in the beginning of 2012, but by the end of 2012 it was worse because almost anything would get stuck in his mouth. He had to use his finger with every bite because the food would not go down, and it would seem to get trapped inside his mouth. This caused a problem with figuring out what types of food he could eat, and what would give him the most nutrients and calories. My dad was still precise about what he wanted to eat, but every few months the main meal would change to a different food that was more appealing to him.

In the summer of 2012 we had another doctor’s appointment to figure out the next steps of this disease. This time is was more serious and emotional. We knew that with the way things were panning out, and how drastic we were watching things change, that we might lose dad soon. The doctors predicted 6-8 months because of the changes they were seeing in his mannerism and more importantly, his weight loss and deterioration of the mind. This was an emotional time for us because we were told the worst news that we would hear; that there was nothing in our power that could save my dad. The only thing we could do was to keep him comfortable, do the best we could with the food, and keep him out of harm’s way because balance and coordination were slowly fading. He would soon start to become weaker, and those were next to go in the progression during the illness.

Psalm 9: 10 Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for You.

Psalm 5:1-3 O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

There were two major decisions we did that would affect my dad for the rest of his life during the summer of 2012. This was extremely hard for us; we decided that it was time to take away driving. There had been incidents that were a close call for an accident, running into someone, or could have hurt us while in the car. Overall we had all decided that we would not drive with dad anymore, and that started at the end of 2011-2012. But after watching his behavior decrease, and the man we once all knew was no longer there anymore mentally, we knew it was time to take away the car keys because he could hurt someone, and it was just a matter of time. This was difficult because it was taking away a man’s freedom. He loved his big red truck, and he loved to drive it around town. In order to keep him safe, and everyone else in town, we made the executive choice that he would no longer drive. We struggled watching him the first few weeks after this, but than life seemed to even out again. He accepted driving with my mom to church and to the store, and life seemed to be okay for a little bit.

After the doctor’s visit, and a recommendation for the doctor, we also knew it was time to call in for more help with my dad. This was the second hardest decision to make. A nurse started to come to our house at the end of August, once a week. She was part of hospice, and they generously came to the house to do some monitoring on dad to see how his body was doing. She would check his temperature, heart rate, blood pressure and overall mannerism.  She was very genuine, compassionate, and nurturing to my dad instantly; so it was a blessing when my dad allowed her to sit next to him and monitor him. She was also able to prepare us in advance for things that we would start to see as my dad’s disease progressed and it would be quite rapid. This mentally prepared us before we physically saw it.

We were able to spend the holidays with my dad; Thanksgiving and Christmas. Although traditions were going to be different than they ever were before in the past, God gave us comfort and peace because my dad was able to be there with us. By this time, my dad was only able to stay inside and do every day routines. He would sit in the front room for a long time, resting his body and watching things out the window. Although this was a change, we also knew deep down inside that his body was weaker, he was physically so small and fragile, and it was hard for him to get up and down; let alone move around the house or go outside. Mowing the lawn had stopped, and even watching television was down to a bare minimum. I was watching my dad pass away before my eyes, which is something I never imagined would happen. I was able to be home with my dad during the afternoons, because my teaching job allowed me to have long lunch periods. I will be eternally grateful for the time that I was able to spend with my dad, the quiet moments. During the time I would come home from lunch, we would read together (my dad read The Bible everyday), or he would show me something he was reading during the day by pointing to the scriptures. He would also just smile at me. I could sit next to him, hold his hand, rub his arm, and talk to him. He never would say anything to me, he would just smile at me. These were the moments I will hold onto forever. As the months progressed and time went on, I started cooking my dad lunch and continued to sit next to him because he did not have the energy to make it himself or to go outside anymore. These were the precious moments that I knew God was working on my heart, as well as speaking to my dad.

2012 was the year that my dad literally looked sick. His body, personality, behavior and speech were all gone or changed. I held tightly to the promises that God had for us, and the love that we felt next to each other. We began to fully embrace the small things and the big things in life, but most importantly our time together. I became so actively involved with my family because I knew this would be one of the toughest things we would ever go through. I held on tightly to relationships in my family, as well as my own intimate personal relationship with Jesus. I know it might sound odd to people who do not believe in God, or who do not fully understand what it means to have a relationship with our one and only King, but I learned what it meant that year. I felt like life was slipping away from me, and God was the one to give me strength and hope through it all. I talked to him, prayed and read The Bible; all which gave me strength and hope for his promises of Heaven. I truly started to believe everything I was reading, and applied it to my life.

Isaiah 43: 1 The Lord said “Do not be afraid, for I have saved you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

Isaiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

Luke 12: 31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

2 Corinthians 1: 4-5 He is the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

Ephesians 3: 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

A beautiful song written by a beautiful lady, this song really spoke to me during this time! Please close your eyes and listen to these song lyrics. 

To know more about FTD, and about the specific details you can go to this website: http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/

Story from a Daughter.

The year 2011....

"I am not going to worry, I know that you got me, right inside the palm of your hand....even when it hurts, even when its hard and all just falls apart, I will run to you." - Kari Jobe 

In 2011 we started to witness some more drastic changes in my dad’s character and things were progressing rapidly. His speech started to slip into constant phrases that he would say instead of full sentences, and sometimes they were not relevant to the topic of conversation. They would consist of "we will see how that goes" "we will check it out" and "good deal." This lasted for a few months. His text messages were also jumbled and confusing, but he was still able to text for a short time during the beginning of 2011. Trying to hold a conversation with him sometimes would drive me up the wall because he would constantly be saying the same thing over and over again! Sometimes I would feel frustrated and irritated, and then sometimes my true emotions took over and I would feel devastated that I was not able to communicate with my dad anymore. The one who should be guiding me, protecting me, and taking care of me as the father in my life. In moments like these, I had to remember to embrace the fact that I was able to be home and spend this time with my dad.

I wanted to rekindle that relationship, and in turn, I needed to gain some patience for him. I had to remind myself that God loves me, and so does my dad, even if it did not show at the time. I also know that God loves my dad more than I did and this was all in His hands. I started to dig deeper into my faith, and search into why this would happen to us, and how I could help myself get through these tough times; as well as encourage my family around me.

2011 was a tough year because we noticed the most dramatic changes in his speech, personality, and empathy. He started doing things just for himself, and acting selfish like I explained in 2010 but to a larger degree. It really bothered me the way he would go about situations; his lack of interest in what we were doing at home, or his sole interest in only what “he” was doing, with no interest in others. He would also own the road when he was driving, and seemed to be irritable to everyone else out driving. It made me not want to drive with him anymore. He had this attitude that he was always right, and as a daughter, there really was no point in arguing with him. You could tell from his mannerism around other people, even when we were in public, he would get his way and made it clear that he was right. It was embarrassing at times when we were out in public together and he would have no regard for other people and their desires. I was shocked, and I was trying to figure out what my life would look like with this continuing to get worse instead of better. I started to pick apart my brain with how I could help him. I began to figure out how I could support my dad, and how I could love my dad despite the circumstances and despite how angry I felt towards him sometimes. He would do the same for me if the situation was swapped, and I knew this disease was not his fault, so I needed to forgive and love him unconditionally. This was a daily thing that I had to remind myself to do because life was hard, and this situation was beyond anything I could of ever imagined happening to my family. I had to stand up for my family in public, and brush things off that truly did not matter anymore.  My eyes began to open up to what really was important, and keeping my dad safe was one of them.

Some other unusual changes that we saw in 2011 was an intense weight loss and the capacity to spend money on things that normally he would not buy, or would not be an option because we had other expenses (totally not his budget saving personality like before). For many years he has always been a hefty guy; strong and bigger built, like his brothers and dad (don't tell them I said that). When I was younger, he used to tell me that his 6-pack abs were "insulated." I still laugh at that to this day because it was so clever. But in 2011 my dad started to lose weight, but in an unhealthy way. With this mental disease, people crave sweet sugary food more than anything else.  But with the disease my dad started buying excessive amounts of processed goodies, and sweets. It was unlike him to buy it in bulk and on a daily basis. But as some health nuts know, that when you overeat on sugar and not much else, you can tend to lose weight as well as muscle. My dad started slowly progressing on his weight loss, but he was excited about it! He would write down how much he had lost and then show us the number on the scale as well. Since he had started having trouble talking, this is how he would express himself to us. For a while we were excited for him, but then it started to turn for the worst when we realized how it was happening and what his diet consisted of. His speech also started to go to one word sayings such as yes and no, with head shakes included. When he could not enunciate the things he wanted to say, he would point or write down words to tell us.  I started to pray more intentionally.

I started to pray for what to do next, and what we could do to make this situation bearable for us all as well as look for what God’s plan was through all of this. Looking back on things now, God had his hand on our situation through it all. He placed specific people in our lives to guide, help, and direct us; and to look out for my dad when we had no idea! People in Tumwater knew who my dad was, and they would watch out for him when he was out grocery shopping or driving around. What a blessing that was. 

Graduation May 2011

My mama and papa supporting me :) 

The middle to end of 2011 was very attention-grabbing to everyone around us. I graduated from Washington State University! Yay! Which was a huge blessing in itself because of how challenging that was for me because of working, school and my family, but I made it. I received my Bachelors in Early Childhood Human Development with a minor in Psychology! But around that same time, my dad and his driving had started to become unsettling, and more aggressive, and his speech was also almost gone. When we traveled over the state to WSU in May for my graduation, my Uncle (Fred Hensley) from Texas, came to watch me graduate and was also a fellow Coug! He ended up renting a huge van for us to travel over to the Eastside because we all were watching my dad and his driving go downhill, and in all honesty we did not feel safe driving with my dad all the way across the state. This was a huge blessing because my dad cooperated (if things were different or out of the norm, it was hard to explain to him and show him what was happening. It took much planning and negotiating on our part but he was excited to be the passenger and pointed my uncle along the way), and loved the road trip! I also got the privilege of having my dad at my graduation, which I will never forget. The joy on his face is something that I will remember forever. 

Graduation party in June 2011, my dad and I

My family who I love so dearly! Go Cougs!

In November of 2011, we went on a family vacation to Arizona to visit my grandparents; and my mom and I traveled alone with my dad. This is something that we still talk about and will always reminisce about because it was a monumental time in our life; we really realized how much worse my dad had become in the last couple of months and it was happening right in front of us. We could not leave his side anymore in public; he would not tell us when he was leaving or going to walk away because he could not verbally communicate anymore. We had to constantly keep an eye on him in the airport and wherever we went. He unfortunately had child-like motives, and we had to make sure we knew where he was, especially in an airport full of people quickly moving around. Therefore we followed him and when he would smile proudly at people or show them pictures on his phone, we were his words. Something to know about my dad: he was an amazing handyman and hard worker his whole life. I don't know anybody who would of beat my dad in this department, but then again I can say that because he was MY dad, and I love him so much that I can brag about him. He had many pictures of our family on his phone, and also his prize possession; a 1933 Ford Roadster that he built from the ground up. He loved to show off his car (rightfully so) and show people pictures because he had worked so hard on it, and had finished it Spring of 2010. So while he would put his phone up to people's faces to show them the pictures, we had to smile politely and then explain what he was doing and why he was showing it to them. This happened constantly in the airport and also on the plane. At the time I was pretty embarrassed and would just laugh off some of the things he would do, but now looking back at it, this was his way of communicating and staying in contact with other people. My dad knew what was going on around him and he wanted to be a part of the world in any way he could. Showing pictures on his phone was his own personal way of "talking" to others, and I see that now. There were other personality traits that we had to monitor, but talking was something we watched leave over the span of months, and now his way of communicating was through behaviors and pictures. We accepted and embraced this new part of our life, and as a family, we felt like we could guess what he was meaning to say or point to most of the time. We especially knew that if we were right, my dad would look at us and give us the brightest, most comforting smile. We had a wonderful time in Arizona but I must say it was a very tough trip for all of us as well. All of my family knew dad was sick, and we did not know what else to do except love on him and do things his way. There was no cure, and that is always the hardest part because as humans, we want to help anyway we can and fix things. There was nothing to fix here. 

All we could do was spend as much time with Dad as possible, and try to figure out how to keep him comfortable and happy. Even if that meant that we had to put our lives and dreams on hold, and do things differently. We made it through the year by holding onto each other and to God. God was the only one who could gave us peace and comfort during this season of trial. 

Scripture that comforted me and gave me hope:

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in times of trouble, and keep on praying.

John 16:33 Jesus said “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

1 Peter 1:6-9 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. 

Song that has really represented this time for me, oh how I love Kari Jobe. 

Please check out this website if you want to know more about FTD, and what the mental disease incorporates. 

http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/