The year 2011....
"I am not going to worry, I know that you got me, right inside the palm of your hand....even when it hurts, even when its hard and all just falls apart, I will run to you." - Kari Jobe
In 2011 we started to witness some more drastic changes in my
dad’s character and things were progressing rapidly. His speech started to slip
into constant phrases that he would say instead of full sentences, and
sometimes they were not relevant to the topic of conversation. They would
consist of "we will see how that goes" "we will check it
out" and "good deal." This lasted for a few months. His text
messages were also jumbled and confusing, but he was still able to text for a short
time during the beginning of 2011. Trying to hold a conversation with him sometimes would drive me up the
wall because he would constantly be saying the same thing over and over again!
Sometimes I would feel frustrated and irritated, and then sometimes my true emotions took
over and I would feel devastated that I was not able to communicate
with my dad anymore. The one who should be guiding me, protecting me, and
taking care of me as the father in my life. In moments like these, I had to
remember to embrace the fact that I was able to be home and spend this time
with my dad.
I wanted to rekindle that relationship, and in turn, I
needed to gain some patience for him. I had to remind myself that God loves me,
and so does my dad, even if it did not show at the time. I also know that God
loves my dad more than I did and this was all in His hands. I started to dig
deeper into my faith, and search into why this would happen to us, and how I
could help myself get through these tough times; as well as encourage my
family around me.
2011 was a tough year because we noticed the most dramatic
changes in his speech, personality, and empathy. He started doing things just
for himself, and acting selfish like I explained in 2010 but to a larger degree.
It really bothered me the way he would go about situations; his lack of
interest in what we were doing at home, or his sole interest in only what “he”
was doing, with no interest in others. He would also own the road when he was
driving, and seemed to be irritable to everyone else out driving. It made me not want to drive with him anymore. He had this
attitude that he was always right, and as a daughter, there really was no point
in arguing with him. You could tell from his mannerism around other people, even
when we were in public, he would get his way and made it clear that he was
right. It was embarrassing at times when we were out in public
together and he would have no regard for other people and their desires. I was
shocked, and I was trying to figure out what my life would look like with
this continuing to get worse instead of better. I started to pick
apart my brain with how I could help him. I began to figure out how I could
support my dad, and how I could love my dad despite the circumstances and
despite how angry I felt towards him sometimes. He would do the same for me if
the situation was swapped, and I knew this disease was not his fault, so I
needed to forgive and love him unconditionally. This was a daily thing that I
had to remind myself to do because life was hard, and this situation was beyond
anything I could of ever imagined happening to my family. I had to stand up for
my family in public, and brush things off that truly did not matter anymore. My
eyes began to open up to what really was important, and keeping my dad safe was
one of them.
Some other unusual changes that we saw in 2011 was an
intense weight loss and the capacity to spend money on things that normally he
would not buy, or would not be an option because we had other expenses (totally
not his budget saving personality like before). For many years he has always
been a hefty guy; strong and bigger built, like his brothers and dad
(don't tell them I said that). When I was younger, he used to tell me that his
6-pack abs were "insulated." I still laugh at that to this day
because it was so clever. But in 2011 my dad started to lose weight, but in an
unhealthy way. With this mental disease, people crave sweet sugary food more
than anything else. But with the disease
my dad started buying excessive amounts of processed goodies, and sweets. It
was unlike him to buy it in bulk and on a daily basis. But as some health nuts
know, that when you overeat on sugar and not much else, you can tend to lose
weight as well as muscle. My dad started slowly progressing on his
weight loss, but he was excited about it! He would write down how much he had
lost and then show us the number on the scale as well. Since he had started
having trouble talking, this is how he would express himself to us. For a while
we were excited for him, but then it started to turn for the worst when we
realized how it was happening and what his diet consisted of. His speech also
started to go to one word sayings such as yes and no, with head shakes
included. When he could not enunciate the things he wanted to say, he
would point or write down words to tell us. I started to pray more
intentionally.
I started to pray for what to do next, and what we could do
to make this situation bearable for us all as well as look for what God’s plan
was through all of this. Looking back on things now, God had his hand on our
situation through it all. He placed specific people in our lives to guide,
help, and direct us; and to look out for my dad when we had no idea! People in
Tumwater knew who my dad was, and they would watch out for him when he was out
grocery shopping or driving around. What a blessing that was.
Graduation May 2011
My mama and papa supporting me :)
The
middle to end of 2011 was very attention-grabbing to everyone around us. I
graduated from Washington State University! Yay! Which was a huge blessing in
itself because of how challenging that was for me because of working, school
and my family, but I made it. I received my Bachelors in Early Childhood Human
Development with a minor in Psychology! But around that same time, my dad and
his driving had started to become unsettling, and more aggressive, and his
speech was also almost gone. When we traveled over the state to WSU in May for
my graduation, my Uncle (Fred Hensley) from Texas, came to watch me
graduate and was also a fellow Coug! He ended up renting a huge van for us to
travel over to the Eastside because we all were watching my dad and his driving
go downhill, and in all honesty we did not feel safe driving with my dad all
the way across the state. This was a huge blessing because my dad cooperated
(if things were different or out of the norm, it was hard to explain to him and
show him what was happening. It took much planning and negotiating on our part
but he was excited to be the passenger and pointed my uncle along the way), and
loved the road trip! I also got the privilege of having my dad at my
graduation, which I will never forget. The joy on his face is something that I
will remember forever.
Graduation party in June 2011, my dad and I
My family who I love so dearly! Go Cougs!
In November of 2011, we went on a family vacation to Arizona
to visit my grandparents; and my mom and I traveled alone with my dad. This is
something that we still talk about and will always reminisce about because it
was a monumental time in our life; we really realized how much worse my dad had
become in the last couple of months and it was happening right in front of us.
We could not leave his side anymore in public; he would not tell us when he was
leaving or going to walk away because he could not verbally communicate
anymore. We had to constantly keep an eye on him in the airport and wherever we
went. He unfortunately had child-like motives, and we had to make sure we knew
where he was, especially in an airport full of people quickly moving around.
Therefore we followed him and when he would smile proudly at people or show
them pictures on his phone, we were his words. Something to know about my dad:
he was an amazing handyman and hard worker his whole life. I don't know anybody
who would of beat my dad in this department, but then again I can say that
because he was MY dad, and I love him so much that I can brag about him. He had
many pictures of our family on his phone, and also his prize possession; a 1933
Ford Roadster that he built from the ground up. He loved to show off his car
(rightfully so) and show people pictures because he had worked so hard on it,
and had finished it Spring of 2010. So while he would put his phone up to
people's faces to show them the pictures, we had to smile politely and
then explain what he was doing and why he was showing it to them. This happened
constantly in the airport and also on the plane. At the time I was pretty embarrassed and
would just laugh off some of the things he would do, but now looking back at
it, this was his way of communicating and staying in contact with other people.
My dad knew what was going on around him and he wanted to be a part of the
world in any way he could. Showing pictures on his phone was his own personal
way of "talking" to others, and I see that now. There were other
personality traits that we had to monitor, but talking was something we watched
leave over the span of months, and now his way of communicating was through
behaviors and pictures. We accepted and embraced this new part of our life, and
as a family, we felt like we could guess what he was meaning to say or point to
most of the time. We especially knew that if we were right, my dad would look
at us and give us the brightest, most comforting smile. We had a wonderful time
in Arizona but I must say it was a very tough trip for all of us as well. All
of my family knew dad was sick, and we did not know what else to do except love
on him and do things his way. There was no cure, and that is always the hardest
part because as humans, we want to help anyway we can and fix things. There was
nothing to fix here.
All we could do was spend as much time with Dad as
possible, and try to figure out how to keep him comfortable and happy. Even if
that meant that we had to put our lives and dreams on hold, and do things
differently. We made it through the year by holding onto each other and to God.
God was the only one who could gave us peace and comfort during this season of
trial.
Scripture that comforted me and gave me hope:
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in
times of trouble, and keep on praying.
John 16:33 Jesus said “I have told you all this so that you
may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But
take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not worry about anything; instead, pray
about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand.
His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who
gives me strength.
1 Peter 1:6-9 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy
ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a while. These trials
will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and
purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when
your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise
and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole
world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see
him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The
reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.
Song that has really represented this time for me, oh how I love Kari Jobe.
Please check out this website if you want to know more about FTD, and what the mental disease incorporates.
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