Even the title of my blog makes me cringe, because I know life is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. God created it, and everything He created He made with intimacy, detail and divine attention.
That is the God I love and serve.
That is the God I believe in, and the God that I want to be like each and every morning when I open my eyes. He puts so much thought, time, patience and love into everything He does. He crafts everything with such majestical divinity that we will never comprehend it.
So when I say something so "humanly and simple" and say that life can suck sometimes. I mean it, because I am human and my mind can't comprehend why God does what He does or doesn't do something that I know He is capable of. But I say it because its how I feel.
I know feelings are not always real and true, but they are there and I need to feel them. I am a deep feeler, and a very sensitive person that I have come to grasp as a gift, not as a negative in my life. I sort of knew that about myself, until I got married and than really realized how much of an external feeler I am. My husband is also the most loving person that God could've given me to help walk with me in that.
Back to the world, and why it can suck sometimes.
It doesn't make sense to me that there is an abundance of hurt, sorrow, pain and so much death in the world.
Trust me, I know the "spiritual" answer to why these things happen to people. We live in a fallen world and we walk through trials and tribulations daily.
But it can happen to such good people more often than not. So I just don't understand it, nor do I try to.
I am never the judge, never want to be of people and their stories, and why they do the things they do.
I also don't believe that My God punishes people with hurt for something they did. I don't believe we do good works and we find more favor.
I believe my God does not choose favorites. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in a relationship with Jesus that you must remain in, otherwise it can be easy to fall out and fall into such world thoughts and mindsets.
My heart has been broken into so many tiny pieces because of the fallen world we live in. A world I don't understand and never will.
A world I so desperately want to get out of, because I want to live a life with my God, my biological dad, my child and so many others who I know are in Heaven living the good life.
But I also know I am here for a reason. I have walked through unimaginable pain and sorrow that still stings my heart when I dwell for too long. I know there are times that if I just open my mouth and speak it out, I can heal and also help others heal. But than sometimes I struggle to find words to even say without crying.
That is also something I don't understand. Why does crying hurt so much, but bring so much healing to my heart. Vulnerability is something I believe I have been pretty good at my whole life, because I am an external processor and deep feeler. To help my mind heal and find satisfaction in what is going on, I must talk it out and find meaning behind things. I feel deeply, I think deeply and I cry a lot.
Its just apart of who I am.
So when I walk through hard things... I usually cry a lot, talk a lot and talk to God all the time. Have you ever just talked to God?
When I started going back to church in 2010 with my family, I sat by this sweet loving, beautiful girl. Who told me that talking to God was like talking to my best friend. That was the most simple analogy I could've got from her, that totally, completely changed the way I pictured praying. I thought it had to be over spiritual, sound articulate and also don't show all my emotion because it would be weird in front of other people.
NO, not at all. Talking to God, especially when I am praying with a group of people, should be intimate, venerable and you. It can be simple, beautiful and not profound. God knows your heart, He knows the depth of your being. When you pray and talk to Him about what is going on in your life, it shows dependency on Him.
It shows Him that you need Him, that you want to be in communication with Him.
It brings healing to my soul to know He cares, and He cares about the things about me that I feel like most people don't care about.
So here we are, in the beginning of October, and I am in that funk where I feel like life sucks right now. I am struggling to even journal to God my inner thoughts and feelings because I get distracted and find something "better" that I want to be doing. I feel like I don't know what to say to God because I am trying to figure out how I even feel right now.
I want my heart to be all in with Him all the time.
But somedays I don't feel that way.
Remember what I said earlier, our feelings sometimes are not real. They are just feelings, not facts.
I know God loves me, and I know I love God with my whole being. My actions don't always follow that but I know that in the depth of my being.
So I decided to blog about what my heart is going through, so I can find peace and assurance that I am not crazy at this moment. Im going to sit and eat dark chocolate acai bites that are delicious, and I always get tummy aches after eating them.
The beginning of this 2017 year was tough. More than I can put into words, it was absolutely traumatic. To the point of me crying everyday for months and not wanting to get out of bed because my soul hurt to the point of exhaustion.
Im not going to go into super detail, but just let me tell you, my soul still hurts when I bring myself back to that place.
Something I longed for since I was a child, was taken for me and there was absolutely no reason why. Poof it as gone.
I was pregnant for 10 weeks, and than all of a sudden...my baby was gone.
Life was taken from my womb without the politeness or audacity of asking if I had a say in it. I went from the utmost joy and excitement with tears, to utter depression and my gut wrenching hurt even when I would think about what happened to my baby.
My baby was gone.
I carried my baby for such a short time, but a time that I was able to gain a relationship with my baby inside of me, and all of a sudden my baby was gone.
I went through the pains of birth in the hospital for hours, literally hours.
With no joy to follow.
I came back from a DNC, saw my husband, and just wept until I couldn't move my body anymore. I felt empty inside and hurt. I seriously told God that He hurt me. This was something He could've stopped, but He didn't. I will never know why until I go to heaven someday and meet my baby and ask my God.
My heart sometimes cries to the point of hurting because the pain is unbearable. I know we were not meant to carry pain like that.
My eyes cry so much, that I can't see a darn thing. I can't feel anything except sadness.
There is nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better.
Hugs help.
Prayer helps.
But thats all.
People said they understood, but did they really?
every situation is so different and so unique to that person that nobody knows what I was personally walking through except my God.
This was something I needed to walk through with God, and with my loving husband.
I needed to trust God again with my deepest desires to be a mama again. I needed to share my pain and my feeling with Him, so that He knew how sad I was at Him.
I needed God to understand my pain,
I needed Him to tell me it was okay and that He would literally carry me the next few months because I couldn't get up.
I would never want to compare my story to anyone else, because each and every story is so different. Especially miscarriages.
I can't describe my pain and the surreal feeling I felt when my baby was not in my womb anymore. It was only something God knew about, I couldn't even form words to tell my husband how painful it was. He was dealing with it in his own way, with God as well.
This is where I tell him that life sucks sometimes. This is where we crawl on our knees, hugging and praying together that life will get better. That God hears our prayers to start our own legacy and family, and we trust.
All we can do is trust.
We have absolutely n control over what can happen. But God does.
So although life sucks, I still love my God.
I pray long and deep sometimes, because I know the intimacy of my relationship with God. I know He hears me.
I know my earthy Father is in heaven with my baby. I know they will see me when I come to heaven.
But for now, I cry. I pray. I wait. I cry. I pray. I wait.
Please be gentle and compassionate when you ask married couples when they are gong to have a baby.
Its a subject that is sensitive to the soul.
Please be patient when couples want to wait. When couples don't want to talk about it.
When couples don't have an answer for you.
We don't know what other people are walking through, so try to be slow to speak, compassionate, kind and humble.
Love with your whole self.
Trust God because the world sucks sometimes.
And try to remember that life can suck, but life can also be so beautiful when you are looking at it with the lens of Jesus. Thats my prayer, that I can still see the beauty.
xoxo.
Sarah Marie
ps- He is in the waiting. I believe that my season will come.
