The waiting.
The period between praying for something...........waiting..........and then watching it come to pass.
A season I have been in longer than I ever could of imagined.
There are so many days I look at my husband with tears in my eyes, and say "I can't believe this is my life. I never thought we would go through this, that this would be our story."
That my friends, is true and raw feelings. The things I have walked through that deal with the deepest desires of my heart.... I never thought it would be apart of my story that it would be so traumatic.
If you were to look at my life from afar, I would say God has done wonderful things in and through my life and marriage. PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT.
Shown His WONDER in my life, and used my story to touch the lives of many. I am forever thankful, honored and humbled to be a vessel for the Kingdom.
I have done things I could of only dreamed of....
Traveled to many places.
Taken road trips, adventures during the day because our "jobs" allow it.
Seen many friends and family since we have moved because relationships matter.
Gone to the most beautiful concerts with my honey. WE LOVE MUSIC.
Spoken at different Women's conferences.
Had beach days with our Youth kids, had THE most divine appointments where God truly shows up in their lives. It's miraculous.
CAMP. CAMP. CAMP.
Camping in the wilderness.
Team teaching with my husband, we love teaching the Word together.
Moved, many times. To many different places and we have always created a home.
Been asked to be Camp Pastors at a high school Foursquare camp, we LOVED it.
Mission trips.
Built such a beautiful community in our own neighborhood.
Love living life with my best friend, truly we love doing life together. It is my greatest joy.
Watched my health and beauty business FLOURISH.
Found our home church, built community and now the Lord is moving us. We are STOKED, because He is leading us.
But in the midst of all the "good"...we have been through heartache and immense loss.
I look at my life in AWE of what it is, compared to 10 years ago.
Truly, Ephesians 3:20 (TPT) is my verse.
"Never doubt God's mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinity more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you."
UMMMMM YES PLEASE.
Seriously my life is greater than anything I could EVER imagine, I mean that with my whole heart.
But when I get on my face before the Lord, and almost beg Him I feel like. I cry out to Him in my dark room.......cause He knows my deepest desire is to be a mama.
To hold my child.
My greatest prayer is to continue to be a woman of promise.
A woman who sees the true meaning of a rainbow.
Thats why I got it tattooed. To remember HE SPOKE SOMETHING, I WILL SEE IT COME TO PASS. (Luke 1:45)
To hold onto all the things the Lord has spoke to my heart, and one of them being a mama someday. I look around and see all the women around me, holding their babies and chasing the other kids. Holding hands with children in Target, carts overflowing with snacks and kid "stuff."
I remember after our first miscarriage in 2017, I could barely hold myself together. I walked into Target (divine things happen at Target) and saw a mama with 4 kids....and I was angry. Than my anger turned to sadness. Deep sadness from the depth of my heart. I ran to my car and started crying convulsing because I longed for that. I long to have little ones causing chaos. I long to watch my husband be a daddy. I long to do all the things and feel all the feelings of motherhood.
If you know me, I would rather spend time with kids than adults. Thats a true story. I GRAVITATE to the young ones. There is something about kids that makes my heart turn to absolute mush. Mashed potato mush.
I love their curiosity, faith, love and dependency on those they love.
I love how their brain functions. I love their excitement for life. I love watching them lean on their mom and dad in utter dependence.
I see so much of what I do to my Father in Heaven, that's how I see Him. I lean on Him.... I know without a shadow of a doubt He is always there for me.
Even when I don't feel Him, I know He is with me. Holding me. Crying with me.
So after almost 4 years of trying to have kiddos and having loss...after loss...after loss.
I have learned so much from the "waiting" period.
If I want my life to represent anything, I want it to reflect His heart. I want to be a lover of Him. A woman so grounded in love for God that nothing can shake me.
NOTHING.
Not loss. Not moments that take my breath away and wonder WHY. Not doubt. (even though I have been there, I don't stay there.)
NOTHING.
So here are a few practical things I have learned while I wait on my promise. I thought it could be something you cling to during your waiting period, are you ready?
(by the way, RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT, I am carrying our fourth child. On my bday (12 days ago) I started bleeding...and then cramping and bleeding. We were up at camp, being the Camp Pastors. Pouring out our heart and soul for then Next Generation, and inside my womb...I felt like I was loosing a child. All the same signs. All the fear came rushing back.
Wearing pads so I didn't bleed through my pants. Crying in the back of service as I felt my body releasing.
I don't know what will happen. My faith says God is bigger. God is God, God of the impossible. my heart longs to believe that I didn't miscarry and that I am still carrying our baby.
So will you believe with me? Pray with me.
We have an ultrasound later today and we are pressing into the miraculous.)
Back to what I was saying....
By the way. EVERY TIME I need a miracle or touch from Heaven, it comes. Music has been absolutely crucial in my faith gaps. The perfect songs come on that remind me that HE IS MOVING ON MY BEHALF. A rainbow shows up, showing me THAT HIS PROMISES ARE TRUE.
THINGS THAT HAVE BENEFITED ME IN THE WAITING:
1. Fear will always point you to how big your problem is, faith will always point you to how big your God is.
BOOOOOOM.
2. LOOK UP CHILD, continue to look up at God. When we fix our eyes on the world, we become like the world and think like the world. We are called to GREATER. So LOOK UP CHILD.
3. Impossible, really means I'm-Possible. (HE IS BIGGER THAN THE IMPOSSIBLE)
4. Miracles happen today, all around us. Do you see them?
Invite God into your everyday moments. You will see Him everywhere if you allow Him.
5. GET OUT IN NATURE. We are bound to see His goodness and love when we look around us.
6. Have a prayer shield around you, allow others into your journey that will believe with you.
Recently we have let others into our journey because frankly, we are weary. We are tired and need to lean on the faith and hope of others.
THAT IS OKAY. God created us to be with others. To do life together.
So why do we not let others into the hurting places of our hearts?
7. Its okay to feel all the feelings, BUT DON'T STAY THERE. Trust me, I have had days where I sit in my sorrow. I don't want to move. I want to sit in pity. I am angry.
But when I get up. Stand up. I know God is still good.
I challenge you to do that!
I don't know about you, but waiting can seem like forever. I am still in my waiting period.
Waiting on the goodness of God.
Waiting on my miracle.
Waiting on promises to come to pass.
But one thing I do know, I will always lean on my Father in Heaven.
The world will always let me down, but when I have moments in His presence I am FILLED with more of Him.
I can't wait to see my babies in Heaven.
I cant wait to see how God uses all this for good.
Although He doesn't cause pain, and sometimes He doest stop it. I DO KNOW, He will always use it for His glory and for the lives of others if we let Him.
So while I am still in the waiting, will you continue to lean in with me.
Lean into what we know is true.
Lean into HIM, not away from Him.
The enemy wants us to pull away, to blame and to sit in isolation. All things that are OPPOSITE of what God wants for our lives.
Lets BE DIFFERENT THAN THE WORLD.
In pain, in sorrow and in WHAT THE HECK moments... I want my life to reflect Him.
I want to tune out the world, put my headphones on...and be only with my God..
Thank you for coming on this journey. Our journey,
Although it is different than I could EVER IMAGINE, I am thankful to be alive. Thankful to be a child of God, used for His kingdom.
May I stand, as a woman of promise. A woman who KNOWS who her God is. A woman who allows God to put her broken pieces back together. A woman who is full of sorrow, but joy at the same time.
He will never leave or forsake me.
He will show up.
I do believe in my God, of miracles.
xoxo
Sarah Marie
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