My peace I leave with you.

Song lyrics: God I look to you 

by Bethel Music

God I look to you, I won’t be overwhelmed.

Give me vision, to see things like you do.

God I look to you, you are where my help comes from.

Give me wisdom, you know just what to do.

And I will love you Lord my strength,

And I will love you Lord my shield,

And I will love you Lord my rock,

Forever all my days I will love you God.

 The tough times never ended for our family, but relying on Jesus just became natural to us because of the peace we received from Him and through Him.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7 …….  But in everything by prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am not going to go into too much detail about the last few months of my dad’s life (2012-2013), but I will say it was a huge blessing that my dad was able to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and his 54th birthday with us. God showed up in some miraculous ways throughout those months, and although He did not heal my dad on earth, I believe with all my heart that my dad is healed and whole again in heaven. I have the hope of heaven.

Christmas was such a special time for my family, because we were able to spend it all together, and watch my dad enjoy this season. We spent the day just relaxing at home; embracing everything Jesus has done for us, and spending quality time as a family. The weekend that my dad passed away, was the same weekend he turned 54 years old. The day after his birthday. It was amazing and beautiful because my dad’s family was able to say goodbye to him; whether it was around Christmas time, on his birthday, or the day that he passed away. Frontotemporal Dementia could have taken my dad’s life in so many awful ways; he could have been bedridden, incontinent, and even on a feeding tube until the end of his life. We could have needed 24 hour hospice care or my dad could have fallen and broken a bone; which ultimately would have him bedridden because his body was so fragile and weak. All of these things we thought we were prepared for because books and doctors told us these were all possibilities. But God had other plans.

On January 4th, 2013 my dad celebrated his 54th birthday. My family was able to all come over for this celebration. This was the same day that as a family we came together in prayer for my dad and his health. We could all see the way he looked this day, and we did not know what else to do but turn to God. That day my dad did not eat anything, and had hardly moved out of his chair. He had a different look about him, there is no other way I can describe that. Family had a hard time leaving, and dad went to bed early that night with the help of my mom. She helped him crawl into bed, and the next day he did not get out of bed.

Saturday morning, January 5th 2013, my dad was bedridden. By the grace of God, he was only bedridden for one day. That morning I went for a run and listened to my worship music, so I could spend some time with God. I came back to find out my dad was still in bed and it was close to 11am. This was very unusual. I walked back to his room, and I started crying at the sight of my dad. He truly looked as sick as I had ever seen him, and my heart dropped. I knew life would never be the same, my dad would never get out of bed again. Maybe he was too weak? Maybe he just wanted to lay down? Maybe he had no energy? So we tried to help him, give him water and food, but he would not move. He just wanted to lay there, and he would lay there and smile at you. My mom, brother, sister and I all took turns spending time with dad in his bedroom. Praying, talking and singing worship songs. I know how much my dad LOVES worship music, and his heart had first and foremost always been with Jesus, so I felt compelled to play some worship music on my phone. I played 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. This song echoed throughout the room, and we began singing it to dad during his last moments. It was absolutely beautiful. My mom and brother started making some calls to our Pastor (Tim Wimberly) and to hospice. We needed some advice about what to do next and how to approach the next few hours. In a few hours our house was filled with people we loved, and prayers. The way my dad passed Saturday night was so peaceful, and so touching for each and every one of us. It was a peace that only God gave us. My grandma, grandpa, uncle, brother, sister, sister in law, mom and I were all able to be at the house when my dad passed away. We were all able to say goodbye to him, and show him the love that he deserves before he went to be in heaven with our one and only King. He was only bedridden for one day, what a miracle in itself because my dad did not suffer. If you want to ask me specifics about this time, or just want to talk to me about it, I would be more than happy to do so. I know that God was in that room, and it would be easier for me to explain it in person than through a blog because of the detail, and how personal it is! God is magnificent that way. 

I love you Dad, you are now resting in His peace, with our King, on January 5th, 2013. Thank you for loving me, and loving our family with all that you are. I cannot wait to see you again in heaven. I believe you even built a hot rod in heaven to take us for a ride once we all get there! 

My life is forever changed because of my experience and my story with my dad. I know internally that God had His hand on my life, and was guiding me along the way; but how God orchestrated everything was more than I could imagine. The peace I feel, and the love I feel for my dad is only from God. I thought I would feel upset, bitter, depressed, hatred, or other kinds of strong emotions because of how this happened to my family. But truly I am blessed and at peace, and that is the only way I know how to describe it. I know my dad is healed and in heaven, and I want to use my story to touch other people, and show hope to those who are hurting!

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this special journey, and thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words. The journey for me is NOT OVER! God has a plan for what I am going to do next, and He will give me the strength to do it. Stay tuned for my next blog about what I have planned for my life, and the direction I feel God is taking me and my love for children. 

I truly have joy in my heart. 

Matthew 22: 37-39 Jesus replied " love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and all of your soul and with all of your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.  

Proverbs 3:5-7 Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn entirely away from evil.

Psalm 37:5 Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.

Psalm 84: 11 For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. 

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 This is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed everyday. For our present troubles are small and won't last long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 

Truly read that verse over and over again and realize what it is telling us. 

The song we played for my dad, that will forever be in our hearts. 

May God always bless you. 

xoxo

Sarah Marie 

Story from a Daughter..

To Him be all the glory.

(No pictures will be posted of the year 2012 because it does not depict who my dad was. He was very sick during this year, and you could see it physically. I do not want people to see him that way because that is not how he is in heaven now, and that is not how I want to remember him.)

2012 was a year like no other. Each year that passed I will never forget because of how much it impacted my life, but 2012 seemed to have the most significant changes that we could see physically and that we experienced as a family.

I started this blog by saying to Him be all the glory, because I truly mean that. God walked my whole family through each and every step of this process.  We started this journey together as a family, holding hands and keeping each other walking day by day.  I was not completely aware of it at the time, but through the changes we saw in my dad, God showed up in miraculous ways. He enabled us to get through each day and with confident hope and trust in Him to get us through the next day.  I apologize for taking down the first blog I wrote a couple days ago, but I felt like God was telling me to re-write it. That something about it was not flowing correctly, and I needed to examine my heart and my words more.  I decided to pray about it, and figure out what I needed to say to truly show how my family struggled, but also that the only way we survived was because of God’s love. He was walking beside us day by day, and moment by moment. 

Matthew 6: 34  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Instantly 2012 began with some major changes; the main one that really broke my heart was that my dad could not talk anymore.  He literally did not speak a word.  He would still point occasionally, and smile, and clap when he liked or disliked something; but there were no words that came out of his mouth. This trait can be common for someone who is diagnosed with FTD, which is something my family read about from books or online resources. But when you experience it in real life, with someone you love, it is a whole new ballgame.  It took adjusting to learn how to communicate with my dad when there were no words coming from his end. Although his behavior told us so much about what he was feeling, which was a blessing because things could have been worse, and there could have been nothing. My dad has always been strong about how he feels and what he wants to say.  So even when he could not talk, my dad was still strong with his emotions.

As a daughter, this part was one of the worst things that could have happened. I could not verbally speak to my dad the way that I used too. On top of his behavior being completely different from when I was growing up, he could not verbally talk back to me. This was something that I immediately had to adjust to because I could not do the same things I used to with my dad. He could not ever give me advice again, he could never pray with me anymore, and he could never tell me that he loved me.  I could see it by the way he treated me, and the smile on his face, but verbally I would never get those things again. My prayers and cries to God were very substantial at this point.  I cried out to my heavenly Father to comfort me, and give me peace during this time because my world was falling apart. I would never have my dad the same again unless God performed a miracle. I believed he could, but I did not foresee what the future would hold.  It was in God’s hands.

Weight loss, and eating habits were another thing that we seemed to battle the most during 2012. When my dad originally started to lose weight it was because he was eating unhealthy food, and a lot less food than he should have been. But now things started to take a turn, now it seemed like the muscles in his mouth were not working properly. He was having a hard time swallowing specific types of food, especially food that was sticky and hard to grasp in your mouth (peanut butter, syrup, etc.). This became fearsome for the family because aspiration could occur during this process. It started in the beginning of 2012, but by the end of 2012 it was worse because almost anything would get stuck in his mouth. He had to use his finger with every bite because the food would not go down, and it would seem to get trapped inside his mouth. This caused a problem with figuring out what types of food he could eat, and what would give him the most nutrients and calories. My dad was still precise about what he wanted to eat, but every few months the main meal would change to a different food that was more appealing to him.

In the summer of 2012 we had another doctor’s appointment to figure out the next steps of this disease. This time is was more serious and emotional. We knew that with the way things were panning out, and how drastic we were watching things change, that we might lose dad soon. The doctors predicted 6-8 months because of the changes they were seeing in his mannerism and more importantly, his weight loss and deterioration of the mind. This was an emotional time for us because we were told the worst news that we would hear; that there was nothing in our power that could save my dad. The only thing we could do was to keep him comfortable, do the best we could with the food, and keep him out of harm’s way because balance and coordination were slowly fading. He would soon start to become weaker, and those were next to go in the progression during the illness.

Psalm 9: 10 Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for You.

Psalm 5:1-3 O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

There were two major decisions we did that would affect my dad for the rest of his life during the summer of 2012. This was extremely hard for us; we decided that it was time to take away driving. There had been incidents that were a close call for an accident, running into someone, or could have hurt us while in the car. Overall we had all decided that we would not drive with dad anymore, and that started at the end of 2011-2012. But after watching his behavior decrease, and the man we once all knew was no longer there anymore mentally, we knew it was time to take away the car keys because he could hurt someone, and it was just a matter of time. This was difficult because it was taking away a man’s freedom. He loved his big red truck, and he loved to drive it around town. In order to keep him safe, and everyone else in town, we made the executive choice that he would no longer drive. We struggled watching him the first few weeks after this, but than life seemed to even out again. He accepted driving with my mom to church and to the store, and life seemed to be okay for a little bit.

After the doctor’s visit, and a recommendation for the doctor, we also knew it was time to call in for more help with my dad. This was the second hardest decision to make. A nurse started to come to our house at the end of August, once a week. She was part of hospice, and they generously came to the house to do some monitoring on dad to see how his body was doing. She would check his temperature, heart rate, blood pressure and overall mannerism.  She was very genuine, compassionate, and nurturing to my dad instantly; so it was a blessing when my dad allowed her to sit next to him and monitor him. She was also able to prepare us in advance for things that we would start to see as my dad’s disease progressed and it would be quite rapid. This mentally prepared us before we physically saw it.

We were able to spend the holidays with my dad; Thanksgiving and Christmas. Although traditions were going to be different than they ever were before in the past, God gave us comfort and peace because my dad was able to be there with us. By this time, my dad was only able to stay inside and do every day routines. He would sit in the front room for a long time, resting his body and watching things out the window. Although this was a change, we also knew deep down inside that his body was weaker, he was physically so small and fragile, and it was hard for him to get up and down; let alone move around the house or go outside. Mowing the lawn had stopped, and even watching television was down to a bare minimum. I was watching my dad pass away before my eyes, which is something I never imagined would happen. I was able to be home with my dad during the afternoons, because my teaching job allowed me to have long lunch periods. I will be eternally grateful for the time that I was able to spend with my dad, the quiet moments. During the time I would come home from lunch, we would read together (my dad read The Bible everyday), or he would show me something he was reading during the day by pointing to the scriptures. He would also just smile at me. I could sit next to him, hold his hand, rub his arm, and talk to him. He never would say anything to me, he would just smile at me. These were the moments I will hold onto forever. As the months progressed and time went on, I started cooking my dad lunch and continued to sit next to him because he did not have the energy to make it himself or to go outside anymore. These were the precious moments that I knew God was working on my heart, as well as speaking to my dad.

2012 was the year that my dad literally looked sick. His body, personality, behavior and speech were all gone or changed. I held tightly to the promises that God had for us, and the love that we felt next to each other. We began to fully embrace the small things and the big things in life, but most importantly our time together. I became so actively involved with my family because I knew this would be one of the toughest things we would ever go through. I held on tightly to relationships in my family, as well as my own intimate personal relationship with Jesus. I know it might sound odd to people who do not believe in God, or who do not fully understand what it means to have a relationship with our one and only King, but I learned what it meant that year. I felt like life was slipping away from me, and God was the one to give me strength and hope through it all. I talked to him, prayed and read The Bible; all which gave me strength and hope for his promises of Heaven. I truly started to believe everything I was reading, and applied it to my life.

Isaiah 43: 1 The Lord said “Do not be afraid, for I have saved you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

Isaiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

Luke 12: 31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

2 Corinthians 1: 4-5 He is the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

Ephesians 3: 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

A beautiful song written by a beautiful lady, this song really spoke to me during this time! Please close your eyes and listen to these song lyrics. 

To know more about FTD, and about the specific details you can go to this website: http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/

Story from a Daughter.

The year 2011....

"I am not going to worry, I know that you got me, right inside the palm of your hand....even when it hurts, even when its hard and all just falls apart, I will run to you." - Kari Jobe 

In 2011 we started to witness some more drastic changes in my dad’s character and things were progressing rapidly. His speech started to slip into constant phrases that he would say instead of full sentences, and sometimes they were not relevant to the topic of conversation. They would consist of "we will see how that goes" "we will check it out" and "good deal." This lasted for a few months. His text messages were also jumbled and confusing, but he was still able to text for a short time during the beginning of 2011. Trying to hold a conversation with him sometimes would drive me up the wall because he would constantly be saying the same thing over and over again! Sometimes I would feel frustrated and irritated, and then sometimes my true emotions took over and I would feel devastated that I was not able to communicate with my dad anymore. The one who should be guiding me, protecting me, and taking care of me as the father in my life. In moments like these, I had to remember to embrace the fact that I was able to be home and spend this time with my dad.

I wanted to rekindle that relationship, and in turn, I needed to gain some patience for him. I had to remind myself that God loves me, and so does my dad, even if it did not show at the time. I also know that God loves my dad more than I did and this was all in His hands. I started to dig deeper into my faith, and search into why this would happen to us, and how I could help myself get through these tough times; as well as encourage my family around me.

2011 was a tough year because we noticed the most dramatic changes in his speech, personality, and empathy. He started doing things just for himself, and acting selfish like I explained in 2010 but to a larger degree. It really bothered me the way he would go about situations; his lack of interest in what we were doing at home, or his sole interest in only what “he” was doing, with no interest in others. He would also own the road when he was driving, and seemed to be irritable to everyone else out driving. It made me not want to drive with him anymore. He had this attitude that he was always right, and as a daughter, there really was no point in arguing with him. You could tell from his mannerism around other people, even when we were in public, he would get his way and made it clear that he was right. It was embarrassing at times when we were out in public together and he would have no regard for other people and their desires. I was shocked, and I was trying to figure out what my life would look like with this continuing to get worse instead of better. I started to pick apart my brain with how I could help him. I began to figure out how I could support my dad, and how I could love my dad despite the circumstances and despite how angry I felt towards him sometimes. He would do the same for me if the situation was swapped, and I knew this disease was not his fault, so I needed to forgive and love him unconditionally. This was a daily thing that I had to remind myself to do because life was hard, and this situation was beyond anything I could of ever imagined happening to my family. I had to stand up for my family in public, and brush things off that truly did not matter anymore.  My eyes began to open up to what really was important, and keeping my dad safe was one of them.

Some other unusual changes that we saw in 2011 was an intense weight loss and the capacity to spend money on things that normally he would not buy, or would not be an option because we had other expenses (totally not his budget saving personality like before). For many years he has always been a hefty guy; strong and bigger built, like his brothers and dad (don't tell them I said that). When I was younger, he used to tell me that his 6-pack abs were "insulated." I still laugh at that to this day because it was so clever. But in 2011 my dad started to lose weight, but in an unhealthy way. With this mental disease, people crave sweet sugary food more than anything else.  But with the disease my dad started buying excessive amounts of processed goodies, and sweets. It was unlike him to buy it in bulk and on a daily basis. But as some health nuts know, that when you overeat on sugar and not much else, you can tend to lose weight as well as muscle. My dad started slowly progressing on his weight loss, but he was excited about it! He would write down how much he had lost and then show us the number on the scale as well. Since he had started having trouble talking, this is how he would express himself to us. For a while we were excited for him, but then it started to turn for the worst when we realized how it was happening and what his diet consisted of. His speech also started to go to one word sayings such as yes and no, with head shakes included. When he could not enunciate the things he wanted to say, he would point or write down words to tell us.  I started to pray more intentionally.

I started to pray for what to do next, and what we could do to make this situation bearable for us all as well as look for what God’s plan was through all of this. Looking back on things now, God had his hand on our situation through it all. He placed specific people in our lives to guide, help, and direct us; and to look out for my dad when we had no idea! People in Tumwater knew who my dad was, and they would watch out for him when he was out grocery shopping or driving around. What a blessing that was. 

Graduation May 2011

My mama and papa supporting me :) 

The middle to end of 2011 was very attention-grabbing to everyone around us. I graduated from Washington State University! Yay! Which was a huge blessing in itself because of how challenging that was for me because of working, school and my family, but I made it. I received my Bachelors in Early Childhood Human Development with a minor in Psychology! But around that same time, my dad and his driving had started to become unsettling, and more aggressive, and his speech was also almost gone. When we traveled over the state to WSU in May for my graduation, my Uncle (Fred Hensley) from Texas, came to watch me graduate and was also a fellow Coug! He ended up renting a huge van for us to travel over to the Eastside because we all were watching my dad and his driving go downhill, and in all honesty we did not feel safe driving with my dad all the way across the state. This was a huge blessing because my dad cooperated (if things were different or out of the norm, it was hard to explain to him and show him what was happening. It took much planning and negotiating on our part but he was excited to be the passenger and pointed my uncle along the way), and loved the road trip! I also got the privilege of having my dad at my graduation, which I will never forget. The joy on his face is something that I will remember forever. 

Graduation party in June 2011, my dad and I

My family who I love so dearly! Go Cougs!

In November of 2011, we went on a family vacation to Arizona to visit my grandparents; and my mom and I traveled alone with my dad. This is something that we still talk about and will always reminisce about because it was a monumental time in our life; we really realized how much worse my dad had become in the last couple of months and it was happening right in front of us. We could not leave his side anymore in public; he would not tell us when he was leaving or going to walk away because he could not verbally communicate anymore. We had to constantly keep an eye on him in the airport and wherever we went. He unfortunately had child-like motives, and we had to make sure we knew where he was, especially in an airport full of people quickly moving around. Therefore we followed him and when he would smile proudly at people or show them pictures on his phone, we were his words. Something to know about my dad: he was an amazing handyman and hard worker his whole life. I don't know anybody who would of beat my dad in this department, but then again I can say that because he was MY dad, and I love him so much that I can brag about him. He had many pictures of our family on his phone, and also his prize possession; a 1933 Ford Roadster that he built from the ground up. He loved to show off his car (rightfully so) and show people pictures because he had worked so hard on it, and had finished it Spring of 2010. So while he would put his phone up to people's faces to show them the pictures, we had to smile politely and then explain what he was doing and why he was showing it to them. This happened constantly in the airport and also on the plane. At the time I was pretty embarrassed and would just laugh off some of the things he would do, but now looking back at it, this was his way of communicating and staying in contact with other people. My dad knew what was going on around him and he wanted to be a part of the world in any way he could. Showing pictures on his phone was his own personal way of "talking" to others, and I see that now. There were other personality traits that we had to monitor, but talking was something we watched leave over the span of months, and now his way of communicating was through behaviors and pictures. We accepted and embraced this new part of our life, and as a family, we felt like we could guess what he was meaning to say or point to most of the time. We especially knew that if we were right, my dad would look at us and give us the brightest, most comforting smile. We had a wonderful time in Arizona but I must say it was a very tough trip for all of us as well. All of my family knew dad was sick, and we did not know what else to do except love on him and do things his way. There was no cure, and that is always the hardest part because as humans, we want to help anyway we can and fix things. There was nothing to fix here. 

All we could do was spend as much time with Dad as possible, and try to figure out how to keep him comfortable and happy. Even if that meant that we had to put our lives and dreams on hold, and do things differently. We made it through the year by holding onto each other and to God. God was the only one who could gave us peace and comfort during this season of trial. 

Scripture that comforted me and gave me hope:

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in times of trouble, and keep on praying.

John 16:33 Jesus said “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

1 Peter 1:6-9 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. 

Song that has really represented this time for me, oh how I love Kari Jobe. 

Please check out this website if you want to know more about FTD, and what the mental disease incorporates. 

http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/

Story from a daughter

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28

The year 2010...

In January 2010 we knew something was wrong when my dad Richard Hensley, was let go from his Civil Engineer career completely out of the blue. This shocked the family. I was at school so I did not give it much thought except that it was unsettling; I thought that he would for sure get another job relatively soon. He told us it was because of budget cuts, and he believed he would get hired back on soon or for another project. In my heart there was something deeper and unsettling about this. The more I thought about this I knew what it was going to mean for my family. My dad was an extremely intelligent man, and he worked so hard to get to where he was at his career. He was in charge of large bridge and road projects and was well known in his field around the state. I was curious, how did he get let go after all he has done? Why was he the one chosen when he seemed to have a higher position? We waited in anticipation for him to get hired back on, or for something else to come up. When nothing did for months, we started to worry.

Something was deeper than surface level “budget cuts at work”. We didn't know what “deeper” meant until my mom took dad to the doctor in May 2010 because of some unusual behavior she started to notice. They did a few different tests on him to try to pinpoint where this was coming from and what could have happened.  I was not home due to still being at school, but mom knew something was going on with her husband because of daily interactions with him. My mom told the doctors in between tears that "this is not my husband, help me figure out what is going on." We were blindsided by the fact that this could be something severe like a mild stroke, a brain tumor, or some other kind of brain injury etc. In the short amount of time from January – May, my mom sensed that something was “off” behaviorally and she searched frantically for answers. During this time, it started to catch everyone’s attention when my dad still could not find a job. He had received a small project but it did not last long before they asked him not to be involved anymore.

The doctors eventually (after months and months of different tests) zeroed in specifically that it was the mental disease called FTD; Frontotemporal Dementia. My dad was still young, 51 years old when we found out; so it was diagnosed as early onset FTD. There any many specific details that accompany FTD, but the main characteristics that were beginning to play out in my dad were his speech, behavior, and empathy. After researching ourselves what FTD was, we knew this sounded like what we were seeing everyday with my dad. He was slowly becoming less empathetic, his personality was changing before our eyes, and his speech was becoming repetitive phrases. This was coming on fast, and the only thing we knew how to do was to take it one day at a time, and give the rest to The Lord.

Back in January when he lost his job (which we later found out was because of his communication to the contractors, not because of budget cuts) he started playing video games for hours a day, which was completely unusual for us to see. We were the typical, all American, Christian family, who ALWAYS sat together at the table for dinner, did our homework after school, and BARELY got to watch television; let alone sit in front of it for hours playing video games! Even on the weekends during high school I was not allowed to sleep in very long, there was always work to be done and things to do around the house. I remember my parents were always outside doing something because they enjoyed it, and it was something they did together. So we learned to do it too!  Therefore you can imagine that we were all shocked beyond belief at what my dad was doing. This was a wakeup call for my sister, my mom, my brother and me. Before my brother got married in March 2010, he lived at home from January to March. He saw some of the prime behavioral changes before he got married because he was living at home with dad right when dad got laid off. Dad still worked outside in the yard for parts of the day, diligently worked on the new hot rod ( summer of 2009 he finished his 1933 Roadster and in January started a new car project), took his 1933 hot rod for many drives and shows, and spent time inside watching television the rest of the time. My brother was able to spend time with dad before he got married, and before I moved home for the summer. Summer was a great time for my dad to still be outside and he could take his car around town!  

Smiling proudly by his car :) 

He won many awards for his car that he was so proud of! 

In June 2010 I moved home, found out the details myself, and started to observe what was happening to my dad. Summer of 2010 was a summer that changed my life forever because I made a decision to put my family first, and focus on loving my dad to the best of my ability.

We knew now that we were facing this disease head on with no medical support from doctors because the doctors had no cure or real answer to give us about how to help save my dad from here on out. This mental disease has no cure. The doctors would give us tidbits of advice and things that we "might see start to happen" or "could happen soon," but in all honesty, no one knew specifics to what we were going through at home. It was hard to imagine unless you were in our shoes and living day by day with someone who is becoming a different person in front of your eyes. There was nothing we could do but love my dad, do the best we could, and pray for a miracle. We began to find websites and books that gave us more information than doctors did and that helped tremendously; but again nothing compares to what we saw and the characteristics of the disease we were dealing with. As a daughter, I was observing my dad and learning something new every day about the person he was becoming. He started to become possessive, less interested in my life, and no empathy for those around him. He used to ask about my life and what was going on and he would want to spend quality father-daughter time together in the past. Now it seemed to be all about him, and what he was interested in doing. He was excited that I had moved back home, but he never asked me why.

Summer Family day at Tumwater Falls Park, 2010! 

Trip by the water with Dad, Mom, Megan, Matt and Me!  

Supporting dad during the summer at some car shows! 

My mom and I, who were living at home full time once summer ended (Megan was in her second year of school at Eastern Washington University, and Brian and Jacquiline were living their newly married life in Tigard, Oregon) had our worlds turned upside down by the behavior that we saw progressively appear. There was absolutely no reasoning with my dad on anything, and the few times you would try to reason or communicate with him, he did not sympathize or would ever so kindly tell you to go to another room if you did not want to watch what he choose. Occasionally he would still go out in the shop, do some yard work, or work on his new car he was building. But if he came in and you happened to be watching television, he would pick up the remote like nothing else mattered and turned on his show/game. WHAT! How rude is that! I had to bite my tongue and realize THIS IS NOT MY DAD, and I could not get mad like I used to! There was not much emotion, or empathy for others from him anymore, and as his daughter, I had to learn to accept this. It was not my dads fault, and in turn, I needed to love him even more. (I know I know, it really was only television, not the end of my life, but I was upset. I really would be into a show or a movie with my mom, and I would just have to let it go and love my dad through all of this.) 

The constant television continued on and off throughout the day, and all evening. It would switch between the Q13 Fox News, and the video game called Halo. Therefore my mom and I hardly watched television in the evenings because hearing a video game for hours can only be music to your ears for so long, and the news tends to be depressing these days. So my mom and I both started to pick up some extra side hobbies such reading, cooking, and talking to each other more in depth. Mom worked full time and I was taking my classes online to finish my degree, and working part time at the Boys and Girls Club of Tumwater. I knew that since things had just "worked out perfectly" for me (I say that in quotations because now I know and can see the work of God in my life, but back than I thought to myself that things just were "perfect"), and that I was able to fully take all the classes I needed, and continue working at the same time. I also was able to find someone to take my room back in Pullman and not have to pay rent! God had his hand on my life the whole time whether I knew it or not, and I knew I was doing the right thing by being home during this time. It was hard because I was not around all of my friends anymore and it was just my mom, my dad, and myself living at home. It was a complete culture change for me because I was just living with 50 + girls in my sorority at school, and now there were 3. I was set and determined to finish school, stay organized, work my booty off, and complete school in due time while also spending time with my dear family. For me I knew I needed some friends while going through this difficult time. I needed some people that were close to my age, that I could share stories with and also do things with outside of  my house. I started to pray that God would bring friends into my life, because all of my high school friends were still in school and lived all around the state and even out of the state, and my sorority friends were in Seattle or still back in Pullman! God provided and answered my prayers, I was able to join a small woman's bible study with some friends that I knew in middle school, and some other great ladies! I met a few girls at my church and some through my work. I had some genuine friends to spend time with and that could help walk me through this life change. It kept my social life going and my life was moving along again, for a little bit! 

So much fun with my friend Holly, September 2010! 

This mental disease takes over the whole front part of the brain which is reasoning, personality, empathy, and speech. In 2010 his personality was constantly dissipating and changing and his speech was starting to become limited. The dad/husband that we knew and grew up with, was becoming this man who was self-centered, selfish, rude, and possessive. All of these traits were being enhanced as the months went on and on, and all we could do was walk on egg shells throughout the house and try not to stir up the pot of emotions between each member of the family, especially my dad. This was an ongoing learning process as we watched his behavior to see what triggered certain patterns for him. His new personality became exaggerated and we watched him become a man who we had no idea how to act around him because some things he did were so out of character. The heart wrenching part was that my dad did not even know this was happening to him, he continued life like nothing was wrong. Which in turn, I started to realize, was a blessing from God because what would you do if you knew this was happening to you? 

In 2011 I graduated from college and life started to get a bit more challenging, stay tuned next Sunday afternoon to read about what happened in 2011 for my family and me. Life continued to toss us around but God kept our feet on the ground, and He never left our side.   

Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

This song touches my heart. Kari Jobe is so anointed and full of the Holy Spirit, I love all of her songs. My mom gave me her first album in 2010 and I could not stop listening to it. 

A book that helped me through each day: Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. Given to me by Grandma Marie Hensley :) This book I read almost everyday (and still do) and it helped me form a closer relationship to Jesus. Some days were so tough living at home and feeling helpless, but than reading this book helped remind me that I was not doing this alone. Jesus was always with me and by my side, I just needed to realize it and trust him. 

Here is a website with more specific information on FTD if you are interested: http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/

  

Life Altering News

To Him be ALL the glory. 

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

He is my almighty faithful God who has strengthened me to write this blog post and share it with others who want to read it.

Over the last three years things have happened in my life that completely changed me, as well as my family. Unfortunately I cannot put every detail into my blog, but I will try my best so that you can truly capture the feelings and emotions we went through together. My focus is to try to cover the main points and give an overall experience of what happened and why I wanted to write my story. If you would like to ask me questions, or know more about my testimony, please don't hesitate to ask. I would love to talk more about it to those who are curious. I am here to share as well as show comfort and love others because of my own story.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Corinthians 1:4

A few years ago it would have been too difficult to write this post with such honesty and truth from my heart. I cared too much about what others thought about me, and how people perceived me - Sarah Marie Hensley. I chose to write this because the only one I am serving now is God, and to Him be all the glory for who I am and what has happened in my life the past three years. He slowly changed my life once I began to surrender it to Him. He has shown me how truly precious I am as a woman, and also the beautiful life that we have on earth. The life we have on earth is such a gift; a gift that we don’t deserve due to our self-serving nature of wanting to please ourselves. We have it because of what Jesus did for us. I truly believe that. I believe this is just a glimpse of what God has for us, an eternal life which will be more than we can fathom. Since I have this gift of being on earth for a while, I want to show others how God has changed my life and share my testimony. He continues to bless me and I want to share that joy. The official definition of joy is: a feeling of great pleasure, happiness and the expression of such a feeling. Joy has become the anthem of my life.   

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord. "They are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28

A little glimpse into my life in 2010:

In summer 2010 I truly believed that I was living the dream. I was attending school at Washington State University, actively involved in a sorority, lived far from my parents doing what I wanted to do, seeing my friends every day, and just finishing summer school for the first time. Summer school at WSU was a blast; there were hardly any people there so it was a close knit community where everybody knew everybody! I know Pullman already is a small town, but summer school was even smaller because of the lack of students and reduced class sizes. I took one class, worked part time, and hung out with my friends the rest of the time. We drove to the dunes to swim, walked around town to chit-chat, barbecued some delicious food, and basked in the hot weather. It was absolutely wonderful and refreshing to be enjoying the season with close friends by my side. I never wanted summer to end, even though I loved my family and knew I would be going home soon to live with them for the remainder of the summer.    

(At this time I was living only for me, and doing what I thought was best for me) I was truly living the "dream" and doing the stereotypical college thing. I chose to go to Washington State University to pursue a degree in which I could use my heart and passion for loving kids. Originally I was going to school to be a Social Worker; but in conversation with my mom, we both decided that it would be draining on me as a person because of the severity of the job. Therefore I started to look for something more light where I could love on children, but not have to constantly see hardships that they go through  day to day. I chose to go into teaching, and resided on Early Childhood Human Development. This degree would allow me to teach young children as well as impact their lives in a positive way.  

 2009 with some of my pledge class! A pledge class is a group of woman that are typically the same age, who joined during the same year. We became a close group of friends because we spent so much time together and experienced sorority life during the same time!

Gamma Phi Beta Sorority- two of my closest friends and also part of my sorority family. We were the Army family. In a sorority you are joined into a family with other girls, these girls were there to support you and ultimately they became some of your closest friends. 

All dressed up for recruitment. Recruitment is a process in which we recruit more ladies to join our sorority! So we dress up (usually trying to match each other), act proper, and engage in conversation with new freshman so that they will want to join our sorority!

Ladies in 2009 Recruitment- Bid Day! We hand out bids to other ladies who we want to join our sorority, and we express excitement to them for joining the same sorority that we are in! It is really fun to see the sorority grow and to have new girls who want to join. 

Senior year pledge class! 

When I went home after summer school for a few months, my life did a complete turn around. It all started in June 2010 when I came home and found out things were not going well at home; emotionally, physically, or mentally. Something was different. Some things seemed unusual about the atmosphere and once I came home for summer to live and could see how everyone was doing, in my heart I knew something was wrong. Living at home again for the summer and just visiting for a winter/spring break is completely different; because one is a visit, while the other is living day to day. Spring break during March of 2010 I decided to take a trip for ME, and go with my friends to Cabo San Lucas for a week. I did not go home to visit between Christmas and spring break. I decided to do something enjoyable while I could, so I did not realize anything going on at home during that time due to not being there. I only chatted on the phone with my mom and most of the time it was brief because my life in college was busy, and I was constantly on the go with sorority activities or school work. I did get a chance to see my family briefly in March for my brother’s wedding. Again it was very busy and full of activities, and the main focus was on my brother and his new bride.    

Mama and Papa in Hawaii, fall of 2009, enjoying the company of each other because all of their children were in college. Such a sweet picture, shows the beauty of both of them. 

Okay back to the main story; one summer night in June when I moved back home, my mom took my sister and I on a walk around the neighborhood by our house. She told us the recent information that was kept from us because she did not know how to tell us while we were both at school. It was too hard to talk about and too important to do over the phone. I knew right then, after seeing my mom's face and hearing what she said, that I was going to make the decision to put aside my old habits of living for myself and support my family 100%. This meant moving home for good and finishing my degree online. I knew deep down that this is what I wanted to do because my family is my support, my foundation, and I love them with my whole heart. Family is forever; through sickness, health, good times, and death. I believe that from the depths of my heart. So the decision was made to leave Pullman and move home to Tumwater. The future trials that we were about to endure would not only change my life, but also my family’s life forever. My dad was diagnosed with a mental illness called early onset FTD; Frontotemporal Dementia. This was the news that my mom had told us during our walk, while we all embraced each other closely and cried in disbelief and sadness. This was now going to be the journey of a lifetime. FTD is a form of dementia for which there is no cure. FTD is also one of the rarest types of dementia. We were starting from scratch and didn’t know anything about the disease. We didn’t know how to help or how to treat my dad now that he had FTD. All we knew was that we would love him unconditionally through the entire process. However, we were not prepared for what came next.

My lovely family:  this picture was in Arizona during winter of 2008 (Brian had just proposed to Jacquiline) We were on a hike up Superstition Mountain as a family!  Jacquiline (sister in law), Brian (brother), Megan (sister), Me, Janet Hensley (mama), and Richard Hensley (papa)  My dad, my father, and someone I love with my whole heart. This was at a cougar game in 2009 when he came to visit Brian and I at WSU for Father's Weekend. His smile is irreplaceable. I will be posting the rest of my story every Sunday afternoon during the next few weeks, so stay tuned! Having my blog split up into different sections has helped to organize my thoughts and the trials that we went through as a family. Each year is very important to my story and I want to make sure as the reader, you can grasp it all.  Next Sunday I will post what else happened during 2010, after I found out the life altering news and moved home.  If you would like to read more about FTD this website has facts and information about the mental disease. Each case diagnosed is unique to the person, but overall it gives quality information about what the mental disease is and how it affects the brain.  http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/ Music fills up my soul and my spirit, this song is one that I had on repeat during 2010. Enjoy!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

YES! I officially have been a Pre-K Teacher for a month now and...

I love every minute of it and I love that I am able to say that about my career. There are 20 children in my classroom; all with different personalities, different ways of thinking, different cute phrases that they say everyday, different nicknames for me and they are all in different developmental spots/levels which makes my job challenging but worth while. I am called "Teacher", "Sawah", "Ms. Sawah", "Mama", "Mommy" and "New Teacher." I try to only go by Ms. Sarah because for some reason I don't like when children yell "TEACHER!" and automatically assume I will answer to that from way across the room, or even right beside them. So slowly but surely, I am trying to teach them to only call me Ms. Sarah. Plus the fact that many of the single and married mom's out there probably would not appreciate that their child is calling me the name that the child is supposed to be calling them. I can understand why this happens, and I truly can see why it happens, but it still doesn't make it less painful or awkward when parents walk in. Most of the children and families we serve at Capitol Campus Child Care Center are single and/or married parents that work for Washington State. So these parents, unfortunately, work ALL DAY and ALL YEAR. So we (the other Co-Teacher and myself) are with their children from about 6:45am-6:15pm. Many of the children are picked up between 5:30-6:00 pm, but that is still an extremely long time for 4 and 5 year olds to be away from their parents. So I am flattered and love/so appreciate the fact that I am not the "mean Teacher" or something else of that sort, but I am considered the caring, compassionate, loving, comforting teacher who they might accidentally replace my name with Mom, whoops! I will take it as a compliment on my part because I am working my way towards being the teacher who really impacts a child's life in more ways than one.

I want to be the Teacher who the child remembers years down the road as "the one who really cared about me, and made ME feel special in the classroom." I want to make an everlasting impact on a child by my actions and compassionate attitude, rather than what I am "teaching them", necessarily. I do believe that what I am teaching is strongly important, but I come to terms with the fact that what we, as Teachers, teach children and they might not always take most of that with them in the future, but they will always remember our attitude.
But I also stand strong in the fact that I am NOT a babysitter, and I also do not have the ability to replace a parent. I do not want to "parent" the children, I want to strive to impact the children in ways that they need before they enter Kindergarten, and possibly in caring, loving ways that they do not get at home with their parents. Before the children in my class enter Kindergarten, I want them to be socially, physically, and emotionally capable of being in a classroom and following all of the "rules" that they will receive later in life. I want children to be able to share, and use their words when they are being picked on or left out of a play time experience with other children. I want to teach children to learn through play, and provide them with the materials needed to do that. I don't like tons of rules and "don'ts" to be implied in my classroom. Rather than yelling at a child and telling them "Don't do that! You know better than that!", I want to sit down with them, on their eye level and explain why things can be dangerous, or why that kind of behavior is not necessary, or why that would hurt people's feelings...etc. etc. I want to scaffold the children through their day to day interactions, and help them along the way to be successful. I want to form that close knit, trusting, comforting bond with each and every child within my classroom, and strive to make each child feel important and valued. 

I've always enjoyed learning about Early Childhood Education, why it is important for children before they enter public school. Which might be a tid bit of why I majored in this area :). But I also recently went to a work conference in Renton, WA called "The Ooey Gooey Lady." She was phenomenal. I can't exactly tell you why because she is one of those public speakers that you MUST see in person because of her mannerism and over the top exciting attitude; she is someone you must see for yourself. She was absolutely hilarious, but also so truthful and real about the stories she was telling about Early Childhood school programs. She told real life stories that almost every Teacher in the room could relate to, and that made it even more attention grabbing. She had me crying because I was laughing so hard, but also crying because of the tender hearted stories she would share about her experience as a Teacher. She also gave great new ooey gooey recipes for Teachers to use in the classroom that consisted of shaving cream and glue, baby oil, flour, food coloring, play dough, and much more hands on learning recipes for the sensory table. These are things that you can mix together and make this great sensory experience for children to touch, feel and explore with small boundaries. I LOVE and believe in the fact that children learn through play and exploration. They need open ended materials that they can just observe and discover their own way of playing. Children don't need a Teacher to be watching over their shoulder and telling them what not to do all the time. They need the chance to learn on their own, and if we give them the materials to do so, and give them an environment that they can be successful in, than they will be just fine!
So this lady...Lisa Murphy, is called the "Ooey Gooey" lady! She has been in Early Childhood Education for OVER 20 years, and she is a great resource. PLEASE LOOK HER UP! She has a blog and Facebook.

So overall I have been loving my new job, it was definitely a blessing from God that I even got this job. I was unsure about whether I wanted to move away from home, or stay at home for another year or so to help out around the house and be with my family who I love more than anything. I prayed and prayed about what to do, and some of the jobs I had applied to out of state, I did not receive the jobs, and than this job opportunity came up out of the blue and I instantly got a working interview set up! I love the Director, she is sweet and caring and you can truly tell that she loves all the families who attend Capitol Campus. She wants to have a close, open relationship with everybody who walks in through those doors and that is something I admire. I work with two other Teachers; the other Teacher has been with the program for about 16 years. The Teacher Assistant has been working for the program for not even a year, but she attended Capitol Campus as a kid! She is only 19, but is a huge help when it comes to assisting me and setting up for the day! Obviously you can see that the turn-over rate for this center is so low. Most of the ladies I work with have been with the program for 10-15 years, which is so incredible! Must be a good place to work :) 
The ratio in the classroom is 1-10. So every 10 kids in the classroom need to have at least 1 Teacher with them. Sometimes I agree on this number, but sometimes a little more help would always be appreciated (as well as a higher pay, but I won't get into that topic right now about teachers and their low income!). The children that I am working with have had 4 Teachers this year....I make Teacher #4. So you can instantly assume that they have not had the consistency in their life at school, and it shows in their attitudes and behavior. These kids have had different Teachers come and go, and probably all sorts of new rules that come and go with that Teacher. It breaks my heart when a child asks me.."Are you here to stay?" "Are you going to be our Teacher and stay with us?" And with that follows..."I love you Ms. Sawah." This really tugs on my heart that these children need consistency and it's not fair for a Teacher to leave in the middle of the school year! 
I am going to stay with the program for awhile, depending on how things go at home and what comes up in my life! I am taking my life one day at a time, because that is all I can do. I NEVER thought I would move home after college to be with my family, but that was not the plan God had for me. These last couple of years at home have been the hardest, toughest, most life changing experiences...but it has brought me closer to my family, to my close dear friends, and also to God. So I wouldn't change it for the world. Who knows what will happen in the next few months, or even the next year...but I know I am where I am supposed to be and teaching children who need me in their life! 

For now......I am going to just keep swimming through life (I love Finding Nemo! One of the best movies ever made. My sister, mom, and I die laughing when we watch that movie.)