This scripture is something I have heard my whole life. I knew in my heart what it meant, and that it meant to believe God that He will do what He says He will do. That by believing, I have strong faith.
I knew it meant that my God will take care of me.
I knew that it meant my God will bless me because I am His child, and I am obedient to what He asks of me.
But now as I am an adult at 27 years old and clinging to life with my husband,
This scripture has a new meaning to me. We are truly walking out what "faith" means to us.
We moved to California to go to Life Pacific Bible college for 4 years, and to start working towards our dream of planting a church, and being fully invested in ministry. All because of the simple truth that we both adore people with our whole hearts, and long to help people in whatever way we can.
But that is all we know. School was the reason we decided to move from Washington to California.
Pack up our stuff and drive down to California.
What we didn't know was:
We did not have a home to live, I did not have a job, and we did not know what church we would be apart of.
Let me tell you, its been about two weeks and we still do not have any of those answers.
Although my child like faith believes and knows it will happen in His timing.
My flesh struggles.
I long for a place to call home.
I long for a community in a church home.
I long for deep relationship with friends and mentors.
I long for a job that will provide for my husband and I because he is devoting himself to school during this season of our life.
But the more I write these things out...all I see is "I want, I want." What does Jesus want for me? for us?
I have been gently reminded that my life is not about me.
It is about loving God, loving my husband and loving people.
It is about enjoying each moment that I am given, whether it fits into my comfort zone or not.
I was so comfortable at home in Washington; strong faith, cozy coffee shops,family around, a thriving marriage, strong church that I knew was more family, my job working with kids, and with my life....feeling perfect and abundant because of God. He was faithful.
But now that we left our comfort zone, and said "Let's GO, because God told us to GO!"
life has a whole new spin to it when we actually left.
Someone once told me that faith was spelled R....I....S.....K......
now I know what he meant by that.
> we are stretched
> we are uncomfortable
> I feel lonely, which I have not felt in years
> I feel fearful because of the unknown
> I felt unworthy again
> I feel sad because although my husband is going to school, I want to go too. I want to learn and grow in biblical studies....but right now it is about my husband.
> I feel like my head is spinning with job opportunities and I don't know what to choose.
> I feel uncertain.
....but underneath it all. I have really learned about the simple pursuit of Jesus, and about becoming an audacious servant.
"Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the secret petitions of your heart. Commit your way to Him, Trust in Him, and He will help you."Psalm 37:4-5
My life verse. Which now has a whole new meaning to me than it did before.
In the times that I do not feel like my outgoing joyful self, and that the enemy is winning over my mind. I am reminded of how simple Jesus is and His love for me.
I whisper "Jesus" in the times that I don't know how to pray.
I blast worship music in the car and pray as loud as I can and it calms me.
My current situation is not overwhelming anymore when I delight in Him.
I cry, because I have learned to feel each moment that we go through and really embrace that it can be scary to not have all the answers. But remembering that He does.
I trust Jesus. I trust in His timing. I trust that He has a plan, and His plan is to give us a life full of joy, hope and an abundant future.
I trust that we are in His will right now.
I trust that the best is yet to come because of our obedience.
I trust, and believe and speak life over our current situation because I know that my God is bigger.
I trust that God will work out everything for our good.
I trust that my God, my Father in Heaven, is taking care of us.
I trust.
I trust,
I trust. Which means I believe. I believe and have faith that everything is okay.
I know during this time He is reminding me that all He longs for is a simple pursuit. He longs for us to call on Him, to need Him, to long for precious moments with Him.
Well Lord, that is all I long to do. I don't have any answers, but I choose to pursue you, pursue my husband and pursue people. Thank you Lord for what you are doing, and what you continue to do in my husband and I.
Above all, thank you that I have my husband to walk out life with. He is such a gift to me, in ways that are intimate to my heart that only He knew about.
To be your audacious servant who is full of faith.
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